Ra.Waaaaaaaaaaaa!-n

Disclaimer - I am a self professed SRK fan; its extremely difficult for me to pan his films no matter how pathetic/senseless/dumb they may be. I am writing this post listening to Akon crooning o...o...o...criminol complete with his glorious nasal twang that would make our Himesh a tad bit uncomfortable. Being an SRK fan I make it a point to watch all his films – on TV, theatre, anywhere else possible – so I went to see Ra.One the weekend when it got released – in 3D (sat for 3 hours wearing uncomfortable, ill fitting glasses for this experience)!

The movie starts off with a rather dumb looking chick preaching about virtual reality – how “rays” can be used to bring virtual things to life (honestly the techie-geek in me was miffed at the way the concept of virtual reality was distorted by this bimbo – much to my shock the bimbo turned out to be one of the programmers of the hi-tech game...eesh!). The next few scenes are a lil absurd and misplaced – we have Lucifer – a scantily clad, bronzed SRK zipping through a very graphic artificial-landscape on a mission to save “Desi Girl” (Priyanka Chopra – cameo – her only job was to “hang” around...looking pretty) from the clutches of the evil villain (Sanjay Dutt – cameo) Khalnayak (where have I heard that before???). On this mission Lucifer must defeat Bruce Lee’s three sisters – Iski Lee, Uski Lee and Sabki Lee (wtf! By this point I was semi convinced I had walked into the wrong hall and was thinking of ways to creep out...) Some jazzy fight sequences later Lucifer confronts the villain in a rather comic way – a few lines filled with innuendos are shared and Lucifer manages to rescue the desi girl...when all of a sudden the villains voice turns feminine – that’s when the audience realises its a dream sequence and dreams can be stupid – Prateik’s been dozing in class again when he should be writing an essay about his dad – his hero (really?? They still do that in school??). Let me pause here and introduce the characters in this movie for the benefit of those who haven’t already seen it and know what’s going to happen next:

1. SRK – plays Shekhar Subramanium (pre-interval) – the bumbling South Indian simpleton who works as a programmer in a software firm that makes video games. Post interval he turns into the super slick superhero G.One (more on that later).

2. Kareena Kapoor – plays the flowerpot Sonia Subramanium – the Punjabi kuddi who mouths silly expletives at the drop of a hat with the pretext of writing a thesis on “gaali’s” based on the opposite gender...afterall why should every verbal attack in Hindi be based on the mother/sister/female relative? (Strange thesis...even stranger woman).

3. Some kid with really long straight hair - plays Prateik Subramaniam (aka Lucifer) – the kid who’s too smart for his own good – at his age kids don’t hack into computer systems driven by complex codes – but then again he’s the hero’s son...some of the heroics were bound to rub off.

4. Some Chinese/Japanese guy – plays Akashi – the guy who simulates the moves of the characters in the game (kudos for his martial artistry - Capoeira, Kung Fu and what have you...all in your face!)

5. Some random dumb chick (who gave the presentation) – plays Jenny – a programmer *cough choke splutter* - one of the cogs of the team that makes the game

6. Rajnikant – who plays Chitti (nothing more can/should be said)

7. Then there are extras – Priyanka Chopra (desi girl), Sanjay Dutt(khalnayak), this fat guy with a moustache (Subramaniam’s nosey neighbour in India), this guy with a really bad wig (Barron – owner of Barron Industries), Arjun Rampal (who plays a guy in a poster – and then Ra.One)...that pretty much covers them all.

Ok so the story thus far – we have a tycoon Mr Barron who threatens to send all his employees packing if they don’t create a game that will take over the world (be careful what you wish for Mr Barron)...err ok not quite send them packing but he plans to open a South Indian restaurant and reinstate them all there (One wonders why? Does he have that many South Indians in his team? What would the Chinese/Japanese guy do? Make Idli Manchurian?...but ofcourse!)...Anyways – enter the Subramaniam household – Mrs Subramaniam playfully swears at her bumbling husband who clearly enjoys hearing her mouth foul expletives. We have a son who is clearly going through his rebellious phase in life where he’s listening to heavy metal at deafening decibels and playing video games all day – he thinks his dad’s a loser – understandably so. Shekhar (head of the household) is stereotypical to the bone – a true blue noodle-with-curd eating “madrasi” who has serious pro-nown-ciashun issues...inorder to redeem himself in the eyes of his rebellious son – who if I may add is seriously bright for his age (being a tech geek – even I didn’t know how to hack and tweak mainframes that well at his age – kudos Mr Subramaniam for your excellent parenting skills – doubt the foul mouthed mom had much to do with it)...anyways moving along – Prateik – like all kids in the “rebellious stage” thinks evil is good (oxymoron) and villains are cooler and better than heroes – much to his fathers disappointment who fundamentally believes in the good triumphs over evil bit. Regardless of his ideology – the doting father goes ahead to make a super villain that will kick every heroes ass like no super villain ever has...this is followed by a seriously dumb brainstorming session with the bimbo and the Japanese dude – the good one shall be called g.one...really now that is so bright...*sigh*

Brainstorming over – enter development stage – speckled with Capoeira like fight moves, suit development, facial reconstruction of the hero (the villain has no face – he can become whoever he likes), suit making, HART making etc etc etc...all this is done with the backdrop of a background score so deafening it would be hard to miss. Development stage is over – the game is ready – time to party – with Akon...yup who knew the Barron had such contacts – the grand game launch party see’s the Senegalese-American crooning away to Crimin-ol...everyones having fun...Shekhar and wifey are shaking a leg...Prateik is backstage kickin’ Ra.One’s ass...he reaches stage 2 in a jiffy – too bad the song ended before he could finish the 3 stage futuristic version of Street Fighter otherwise we wouldn’t have anything to watch post interval. Now being defeated by a scrawny lil’ kid who thinks he’s the devil really leaves the super villain miffed so he vows to kill Lucifer – even if that means slipping out of the game and entering the real world (remember the whole virtual reality thing with the “rays” right at the beginning – yea well its about to come true because there’s nothing like a super villain who’s got his shorts in a tangle because he’s a sore loser)...I forgot to add – during the development stage – the villain (prime focus of the game) had started exhibiting some “strange moves” which weren’t supposed to be programmed – proving that he’s a really intelligent super villain – who needs people to program things into you anyways when you can develop a mind of your own with the help of the “rays”.

Long story cut short – Ra.One gets out of the game – kills the Japanese guy and assumes his identity, goes on to kill Shekhar too– but doesn’t assume his identity – cuz’ he likes Japanese guys more and because he didn’t fancy the curly haired look...and big nose. Prateik suddenly has a brainwave – Ra.One killed his dad because he wants revenge! His mom rubbishes the notion – whoever heard of video games coming to life – you can get sucked into one thats true (a la Tron and Tron Legacy) but vice versa just cant happen. So Mr. Lucifer goes to the lab to investigate – even though his mom wants them to catch a plane back to India – back at the lab he meets the bimbo who walks into a ransacked place where all the circuitry has been fried. They discover the body of the Japanese guy hanging from cables – Prateiks sure now that Ra.One has come to life...so he must use his super intelligence and futuristic programming skills (the bimbo gives him the controls as she knows she’s only good at delivering larger than life lectures) to bring G.One to life...Prateik types away but to no avail...the model doesn’t jump to life – so the next best thing is to run for your life – and thats what he does...aided by his super mom with her super driving skills in their super-indestructible-tank of a car (and people thought women can’t drive...Kareena proves otherwise – she can not only drive a car but a local train too).

G.One manages to wriggle out of the game too - he kicks Ra.One's ass around for a bit - breaks him into several tiny lil cubes, steals his HART and goes on to jump on the hood of super sonia's car...just to say hellew...So Prateik wins this round - mom has no choice but to wrap her head round the fact that the game has come to life - INTERVAL -
- POST INTERVAL - a new problem has come up with the arrival of G.One - they still have to go to India - now they need another ticket - not only do they need another ticket - they need to figure out how G.One is going to clear the checks and security at the airport, what with his dreamy blue eyes and super gelled up hair - theres no way he'd pass for Shekhar (really now for cryin out loud he's a program - why can't he just fly...or port...or sit on the wing???) Oh well they clear security...and reach India (this is when I had an urge to go buy popcorn so I missed a bit...) When I got back I saw goons attacking Super Sonia at the airport - I wondered why - G.One saved her from the goons...with the help from Rajni sir aka Chitti who happened to be driving by in his Magnet like car...Sonia, G.One and Prateik reach Shekhar's ol home in ummm it looked like Kerela - must be some place down South - and they meet Irritating Iyer - their nosy ol neighbour. What follows is some err Father/Program-Son bonding, some cutely funny moments between Super Sonia and G.One, some dumbly funny moments between Irritating Iyer, Super Sonia, G.One and Prateik...Meanwhile, hot on their trail is Ra.One who assumes the form of a hunky bald guy in the billboard aka Arjun Rampal and starts hunting his HART down. Theirs a party being organised by Irritating Iyer where G.One/Akon does a Cham-ak Chal-O and Kareena shakes her love handles scantily clad in a red sari...G.One suddenly senses Ra.One's presence and tells Super Sonia to get Prateik out of there - too late - G.One's presence sensors seemed to be dulled by the mass of flubbery flesh - he was jiggying Ra.One while a hypnotized Super Sonia is driving a death train which wont stop at any station...and Ra.One has kidnapped Prateik - G.One has a tough choice...its and either/or situation (ok who are we tryina kid? He's the super hero - he turns the either/or into an I'll take both and shove your choice where the sun don't shine!) So he goes and rescues Super Sonia - who seems to be enjoying the train ride - brings her back to her senses and goes back to rescue Prateik.

The two One's (oxymoron once again) battle it out in a an awesome simulated environment (makes Street Fighter look so yesterday). Two stages crossed - the director tries bringing humor into what should have been a serious battle with G.One grabbing Ra.One at the wrong place (SRK needs to learn that he already has enough scoop to tarnish his heterosexual image - he need not do such things to substantiate matters). We all know that G.One & Lucifer will outsmart Ra.One and kill him - so they do...almost - G.One walks out without his HART and ensures Ra.One wastes his one shot - but Ra.One is supposed to be the super villain of all super villains so he replicates himself (a la Chitti - remember Robot when we had so many Rajnikants on the screen)...so now what? Almost expecting a Rajnikant moment where the one bullet splits into 10 and kills all the Ra.Ones I was quite impressed by the thoughtfulness of the end - one of Shekhar's favorite quotes saves the day - roughly translated - "If you befriend evil - it follows you like a shadow" - *bing* Prateik the Genius has a lightbulb moment - Shoot the Ra.One with the Shadow! Bham! And Game Over! Naaaice we think...but wait...G.One must collect the specs of Ra.One and take them back with him to the game - therefore - SRK dies AGAIN...

Jump to the future with the promise of a sequel - we see Super Sonia back in "phoren" with Super Genius Prateik on a quest to revive G.One's HART and bring him back to life...by now the 3D glasses had started pinching me profusely and I was hoping the movie would end so I could yank them off and go grab a bite...and lo and behold! The HART comes to life! Good heavens we're going to have a sequel for sure...but would it be called Ra.Two? or G.Two? Hmmm...???

5 Key Learnings from Ra.Waaaaaaaa!-n :

1. No matter how much you try - the age old Good triumph's over Evil concept will prevail

2. SRK is a marketing genius - he has literally tapped the WORLD in this flick - he made up for hurting South Indian sentiments due to his stereotyping by sharing screen time with Rajnikant (South Indian market - Check), tapped the North Indian market by introducing Kareena in her voluptuous avtaar, tapped the Far East by bringing in a Japanese programmer cum super villain host, tapped the America's through Akon's song n dance, tapped the European market by shooting on London bridge & basing Barron Industries in UK, he tapped the African & Australian markets by default since SRK & Amitabh Bacchan are the only two actors known in that continent to constitute the Indian film industry - theres plenty of SRK in the flick - and oh Amitabh's voice too...so I guess the only continent left untapped would be Antarctica - though I doubt penguins are into movies

3. Stereotypes never die - if there is an adult South Indian man - he will ALWAYS be conservative, smart, an engineer of some sort (software or otherwise), childlike in his understanding of all things adult, he will ALWAYS have an accent regarless of how many years he has spent abroad/in the company of "white people", he will not know much about cooking idlis, he will want his kids to grow up and be like him. If there is a South Indian kid - he will ALWAYS be the binary opposite of his father (with the exception of intellect and profession- I guess that's genetic), he will dig heavy metal, he will be super smart and on his way to becoming an engineer of some sort, he will hate calling his father "Appa" because its not cool, he will think he is the epitaph of "cool-ness" and everyone else is a geek. If there is a Punjabi lady - she will swear and look pretty. Period. If there is a Japanese/Chinese guy - he will know his robotics inside out.

4. "Appa" means father in Tamil. "Inge-va" means come here in Tamil. And "Yena Rascala" is also an integral part of the Tamil language.

5. "Rays" are behind the whole mumbo jumbo of virtual reality - "Rays" can make virtual stuff come to life...and here we were thinking computer simulation, stereoscopic displays and a whole lot of other complex programming was involved in making things appear real - we are so behind - technology has jumped light years ahead of us...

An Ode to My Life

Its been over a year since my last post...I can't say I've been busy...Or I didn't have anything to write about...I've had the worst year imaginable...2011 came and wrecked havoc in my life...Here is an Ode...for what was...and what is left...

====================================================

In a flash my world destroyed,

You went away and left a void,

The night you slept, how could I know?

That the morning would usher such a blow...

You said, “Wake me up, in case I can’t”

Your words still echo like a deathly chant,

I found you that morn, cold and sleeping,

An hour later my life was weeping...

“Wake up ma...It’s time,” I yelled,

But on your face serenity dwelled,

You were on your way to a better place,

It was writ on the calm of your face...

I tried setting your heart to beat,

My mind knew it to be a losing feat,

A doctor, an ambulance...call them all!

Save my mom from deaths call...

They came and declared the final hour,

Yet I tried to revive you with all my power,

Clutching your body as it turned cold,

Your fleeting soul, I tried to hold...

“Come back ma, don’t leave me behind!”

Screaming loud so the angles could mind,

God wrenched my chest and punched a hole in my heart,

Such immeasurable pain only the devil could impart!

The hatred and bile curdled through my veins,

As people consoled and spoke of the peace one attains,

When in the lords arms the soul laughs and sings,

But to those left behind only misery it brings...

“Be strong, take heart, do it for your dad,”

They wouldn't let me mourn or even be sad,

As my world disintegrated before my very eyes,

Consolations poured in full of fake promises and lies!

It’s been a while since we set your soul free,

I watched your ashes float away, further than I could see,

So many unfulfilled wishes and things to say,

They all died with you on that very day...

No words to express the excruciating pain I still nurse,

That’s been brought upon me like a life-long curse,

I’m pretending to live but you know I died-

That wretched day I mourned on your bedside...

They say you're around, they say I should feel,

But I don't feel a thing - could it be for real?

They said it wouldn't hurt, that time would heal,

But with each passing day the pain grows unreal...

My days are empty, I trudge on in a trance,

To be with you again - is there a chance?

They say memories live on when people don't

To try to forget you is something I won't...

There is no way in hell this pain will go,

And till my last breath my misery will grow,

This void is here, it's true and real,

Several lifetimes will pass for my ache to heal...

Identity Crisis!!!

Helloooo my beetle bugs…Guess who’s back…I got a death threat from someone for not writing in more often so I thought I’d give it a try yet again…for all those who have read my last post “9 to Fine” you will be glad to know that I have left “that job”…errm I left it ages ago actually and got a “better job” and well I still echo pretty much the same sentiments as I did before so not much has changed there…so now since every piece of writing must have a purpose I’ll have to come up with something to defeat the utterly lackluster, mundane-ness of my purposeless existence…hmmmm…I’d say this is worse than a writers road-block…maybe if you are reading this and are bored to death you might want to suggest something interesting for me to write about aka shred and dissect till the subject is significantly humiliated…

The topic of todays post – is a blog post I read titled Death Metal and the Indian Identity by a certain Akshay Ahuja…this post was a suggested reading by a really good friend of mine who happens to enjoy his music quite a bit. Now for the benefit of those who want to go ahead and read the post – here is the link http://www.guernicamag.com/features/525/death_metal_and_the_indian_ide_1/ and for all those who work late and really can’t be bothered to go through a 1000 word essay on a topic they may or may not really be able to relate to I shall sum it up as briefly as possible (a little rich coming from someone who loves to wax eloquent about the smallest of things). Anyway so the blog post is basically a story about a friendship between the author and a “bad-ass rocker” called Pradyum…how they met…and became friends etc etc etc. Now the bad ass rocker boy has a semi pro death metal band predictably called Cremated Souls. Their band has a website that’s in French (because a French band liked their tape and did them some charity) and blatantly bashes the Indian appreciation for death metal, exaggerates the bands morbidity and suffering to be lapped up by those who enjoy such genres of music and has songs that “apparently” deal with “Indian” issues.

Pradyum dutifully doles out gyan to our author in a rather somber “know-it-all” fashion when he talks about forming an “identity” with your music. Upon further reading we are introduced to Pradyums classic-Indian-middle-class-mommy who doles out piping hot food from the kitchen with as much efficiency as her “rogue” son hands out pearls of his new-found wisdom. We meet the fiancée who comes home over the weekends (ok so maybe they are classic middle class bordering on liberal) and works in a call center (ahaan! Whoever doubted the classic Indian-ness of the household?)

The band members (predictably all “rogue” children of “decent-middle-class-Indian-households”) rather ingeniously attempt to make their “own identity” by painting tshirts and adopting a brazen “couldn’t care less about traditional values and Indian-ness” attitude. Even more predictably so each and every band member had a list of favorites (again a rather clichéd list of favorites…I wonder why us common folk don’t have such lists…hmmm). Pradyum was seen as an ideal band leader – determined, focused, with a perfectly formed “identity”! Now all this was a sort of flash back sequence preparing us for what was about to happen – jump to today – Pradyum and the author meet at a fest where his band (now renamed Gorified – oooo how I “totally identify” with the new name) perform a rather lackluster gig!

Jump to 1.5yrs later – the bands been dismembered (because the others weren’t “serious” enough), Pradyum – now married with a temporary “full time” job in real estate brokerage – has joined a new band that plays melo-death called Infinite Dreams…he had sold his guitar (the seven stringer with Steve Vai’s pickups) because it did not suit the “identity” of his current band…

There ends a story – or does it? We are all so eager to catagorise ourselves inorder to form an “identity” that we tend to forget who we really are. You can enjoy death metal or melo-death and yet not know how to strum a single chord…you can be a choir nerd who appreciates classic rock…outwardly appearance doesn’t matter. It is all a farce. We are what we are from the inside and not much can change that – we can pose for as long as it takes but sooner or later the truth will catch up to us and bite us in the a**. I guess Indians tend to suffer more from this “pseudo –identity-adoption-syndrome” because we are forever in awe of our western cousins and are constantly aspiring to go to “phoren”. Being a brown person isn’t seen as a good thing – why else would ladies be bleaching their hair peroxide blonde and decking up from head to toe in expensive goods from “phoren”. This article can spiral into a never ending conundrum of psychological hoo-haa about being at one with yourself and comfortable in your own skin and all that jazz but that I shall save for another discourse – for those of you who don’t know me – I hate psychology – it categorizes human behavior and stereotypes personalities according to the theories some pre-historic drunk one laid out – but that shall be saved for another rant…

9 to Fine!

So I haven’t kept my promise of blogging like a maniac, but I have my reasons, and very valid ones at that. I work a 9 to 9 job as an “Assistant HR Manager” – shocking? – my point exactly! I was over the moon when I got offered the position – little did I know a hell hole awaited me! Now no one said first jobs have to be cake walks but this job – is like walking on nails laced with cake. I begin my day before “the early bird” and end it after the “barn owl”! I do the accountants job, the store managers job, the admin officers job, the peons job, the computer operators job…and every other job in between…yet I was hired to be – the HR MANAGER! So bravely I wake up at the crack of dawn every day (I work a 6 day week just so you know), put on my brave face and march to work - everyday without fail. I try to do the whole dedicated employee thing but honestly it sucks to do everybodys job but your own! I work with a seasoned crop of intellectually dwarfed people who have mastered the art of exaggeration and “pretend-to-be-busy-even-when-you-aren’t” look. I work my butt off and my “associates” wait around like vultures to pick off the carcass of credit and leave the leftovers for me to nibble on. The company has its own in house breeding program for ass lickers – they are taught how to carefully select the target, wait for the opportune moment for target to go take a crap, and consequently how to cleverly maneuver their tongues into the targets but crack and lick it clean without being noticed by another associate ass licker. People shamelessly throw the ball of blame onto any target in sight so as to save their own asses from getting “Fined” (yup you read correctly – the company promotes negative reinforcements – who cares about the rod when you can deduct the last penny of the poor employees salary by imposing fines). 

Anyways, enough complaining about my crappy job (I will author a self help book on the topic and call it – “How NOT To Be Duped By Your Employer Into Believing You DON’T Have A Crappy Job”). I know my rant of a post is far from entertaining but I am trying to vent it all out and retain my last kernel of sanity. Pray for me folks – I have survived 3 weeks and I already feel like a war veteran. Now I shall hit the sack so I can beat the early bird tomorrow morn!

When You're Gone...

Life's like a string-less guitar,

The final flicker of a falling star,

Like a toothless sabre on the prowl,

Or a tame house cat trying to “growl”.

When blocks of ice go up in flames,

Give up playing those treacherous games,

Friends turn foe and enemies grow,

Bleeding hearts surface and start to show.

End up winding on a road so straight,

An ant carrying around the worlds weight. 

 

A still-life canvas of a crimson hue,

Watch the jester dance and bid adieu. 

The deafening lull of the eternal requiem,

Corpses prancing and singing post mortem.

Her heart got mangled by his Hellenic scythe,

He showed her reality but she chose the myth.

Mourners pour in and kneel by the grave,

He fleets a glace and a casual wave.

She lies dead in her crate, her face alive still,

Unfulfilled desires rustle the tranquil.

 

Seasons changed, in summer it snowed,

Happened just as the Sibyl forebode.

Past turned to future and “us” to “me”,

With clipped feathers, she tried to fly free.

The shackles broken, the noose cut clean,

Yet everything was as if nothing had been.

“When you’re gone...” started her parting note,

Her hands shook and quivered, no more she wrote.

Then a silent tear rolled down her cheek,

For she knew the dead no longer speak.

 

 

Karmic Impalement

Ok for those of you whose 2010 has ushered in countless treasures of happiness, joy and all things pink and poofy – I envy you. My 2010 has been anything but joyful, it is only the 3^rd day of this wretched year and some of us have already faced the wrath of being evil in 2009. I hate dentists (no disrespect to all my beloved dentist friends but I hate dentists), I try real hard to love them because they care for our teeth and we need teeth to eat food and I really love food, but I still hate dentists. Now last year I had a rather uncomfortable encounter with a certain dentist who caused me immense pain as he ruthlessly tried yanking out my poor ol’ wisdom tooth which didn’t even get a chance to completely emerge (the darn thing rotted before it could emerge into the precious confines of my glorious mouth). Well that tooth was one tough cookie with curvy roots and what not; our beloved dentist was no match for super tooth. So in comes a dentist-surgeon (or whatever they are called) who skillfully cuts super tooth out leaving behind stitches in my MOUTH (I had never in my wildest dreams imagined getting stitches in my mouth). Anyways I had a rather ugly show-down with my dentist which ended in my terminating our “relationship” hoping desperately never to need a dentist again.

So come 2010 and all is well till the dreadful night of 02/01/2010; I was blissfully brushing my pearlies when all of a sudden my brush bristles collided with the back of my mouth emanating a shooting pain that resonated through my brain! “Oh sh*t!” was my one and only reaction…I gathered up my guts and decided to casually slip it into the conversation with my mom that I “may” have a tooth issue. Now my mom freaks out whenever there are issues pertaining to teeth in the picture and I was dutifully sent to the next best dental clinic for an examination.

Now entering a dental clinic is almost like strolling into a squeaky clean hell with neon lights and bright smiles! So I formulate a game plan – I shall threaten the dentist and warn him about the consequences should things get “complicated”. The dentist seemed like a nice guy, all bright and shiny with his perfect set of teeth. He listened, chuckled, made a few wise cracks and assured me that he would find the “root” of the problem and eliminate it with minimum pain. After his investigation he gave me a look – a look which doctors give to terminally ill patients whose time has come, a look which (in “dentistical” terms) spells E.X.T.R.A.C.T.I.O.N! But since he was playing “good cop” he decided to run me through the whole procedure and assured me there would be no need to operate (I shouldn’t have fallen for that assuring face!).

He wrote down a prescription of antibiotics and gave me an appointment for later in the evening – equivalent to handing down a death sentence to an innocent man! Sitting in the dentists chair made me feel like the pilot of a space mission to the sun…I was scared – I admit it – I hate drills, I hate surgical instruments – I hate dentists! He began the procedure by sticking an enormous injection into my mouth rendering the area comfortably numb (I wish he’d have numbed my brain and eyes too so I wouldn’t have to go through the whole process). He tells me to raise my hand if I feel any pain – I raise it right away – much to the amusement of the dentist and his ass – I WAS IN PAIN from the giant injection!!! A few painstaking minutes into the procedure – the tooth refused to budge (why oh why did he have to pull out a perfectly good tooth). Out came more surgical instruments – the rest – is too gruesome to divulge in detail. I ended up – a good 45 minutes later – with my mouth swollen like a guppy, stuffed with cotton, feeling comfortably numb with a strange taste of blood in my mouth (not very pleasant I tell you – dunno how vampires do it).

As I sulked back home, I took some time to reflect on my situation…ITS KARMA…I had been karmically impaled by the wrath of the tooth fairy who conspired with the dental world! Karma’s a bitch – I hate dentist – they robbed me of all my wisdom - I feel stupid now! What luck…or lack of it…I hate karma…*&$^!@#&%!*@^@%

Thank you for all bearing with me…I can’t talk so I chose this medium to vent!

My final words - I hate dentists, more than that I hate TEETH (since they are the ROOT cause of all my miseries at the moment)...we should not have teeth, nourishment should come out of a glass with a curly straw...how awsome that would be...sigh 

Another Year, Another Callender :)

Ok so 2009 is over, 2010 has begun and brought with it a myriad of misery and woe (not for everyone, I speak only for myself and all those who like to wallow in self pity and hate the world for existing). For starters my intellectually stunted brain will have to adjust to the fact that the date will no longer be dd/mm/2009 but dd/mm/2010 – which will take a few months to register and sink in leading to several errors places that require dates to be written. But then again that shouldn’t be such a big cause of misery (or should it?)…the New Year marks a new beginning for all the “happy happy joy joy” types of people in the world – they make resolutions and keep trying to convince themselves that they will keep those resolutions for longer than they did in the last year…and the year before that…and the year before the year before that…

The New Year for others also marks a time when they reflect on all that they have done in the previous year and contemplate how good/bad their lives have been thus far and again make promises to themselves to improve their lives and do that much more to be better people and what not. They look at the New Year as a time of hope, a new beginning, starting afresh, watching unicorns dancing across a star spangled sky with rainbows and butterflies in their picture perfect candy-floss tinted world…No disrespect for such people – I actually admire the way you live in your own make believe parallel universe where there’s so much hope and happiness…

The New Year for me is a time of supreme sadness as I look back at how I’ve wasted another year of my life doing absolutely nothing productive to add to my net worth. It’s a time to reflect on all the things that have gone wrong in the past and to mope about how they will continue to go wrong in the future because some people learn from their mistakes whilst others “wonder” what would happen if they committed the same mistake again – would the outcome be different or is there a slight possibility that it might end up differently this time? This particular New Year has been especially sad – college is about to get over, I am being forced to choose the least crappy job from a number of crappy jobs being offered to me, I watch my classmates from back in the days have the time of their lives enjoying (or pretending to enjoy) whatever they do. It’s a time when I try to lay to rest my daemons only to have them come back to life in less than a week from their burial, a time when I realize that the fight is futile – its better to run and run fast before my deeds catch up with me and destroy the little speckles of happiness in my otherwise dark and desolate world…Before anyone starts to think this whole post is going to be a desperate cry for pity because its not…its merely an off beat take on the joy and merriment of the holiday cheer...

Right now since the whole world is out making resolutions and trying ever so hard to adhere to them – I too shall break my long tradition of being anti-resolution and make a few of my own…so here goes:

#1 I shall spend less of my waking hours on Facebook and other such networking sites (they know who they are) playing lame ass games, taking mind numbing quizzes and consequently feeling like I have achieved a lot in life. I don’t need a quiz created by some bored, slightly neurotic, hormonally imbalanced teenager to tell me how pretty/smart/pleasant/lovable/athletic/etc I am because no one else will. I will make a conscious effort to grow out of it…right after I plough my farm and plant the poinsettia’s.

#2 I shall try to create, patent and follow my own exercise routine…yoga/pilates/aerobics/gym are passé. It’s high time someone did something creative that would encourage people to actually wake up and move their lazy ass’s off the couch. This exercise routine will not be time bound, it can be done at any time convenient (since most obese people aren’t morning people – there is absolutely no need to wake up in the morning and work out). The technique shall be simple, the “exerciser” will simply have to raise their arms up in the air and run around the block screaming “The end is here…2012 was a lie”. This will attract a whole horde of people who will chase after the “exerciser”…some of those will support the conspiracy theory whilst others would want to throw rocks at him/her. This will make the “exerciser” run until the chase ends in the “exerciser” being cornered. At that stage he/she should drop to the floor and “play dead” thus relaxing the muscles in their body. Once several attempts have been made to resuscitate them and they are feeling relaxed – they can simply get up, brush the dirt off their clothes, yell “April Fools” and begin a light jog back home (chances are the angry mob might follow so it could range from light jog to a run-for-your-life sprint). This technique should burn approximately 1000 calories per attempt (provided you don’t go home and hog out of anxiety), but should not be repeated more than once in the same locality (you might just get arrested or sent to the looney bin or both).

#3 I will attempt to subject the world to more torturous blogs than I have last year (I had a bit of a dry spell in between that makes me feel like a Blog Virgin right now). However, my blog posts will be utterly senseless and somewhat mind-numbingly stupid so STATUTORY WARNING: read at your own risk – or with a crash helmet (incase your brain explodes due to an overload of insanity – the helmet will help the contents from spilling out).

#4 I will spend more time doing recreational activities that I did not pursue last year because I thought (and was told on some occasions) that I suck at them. I’d hate to have to toss and turn in my grave because I didn’t try my hand out at air guitaring or graffiti! So I will adopt a rather large “I don’t give a f*ck what you think” attitude and go out and do what I gota do! But if the torture gets overbearing (to me) I’ll prolly stop.

#5 I plan to spend less money on…ummm those things that I spend money on (I am sorry but if I were to list all those explicit items I might get arrested and then the world will be deprived of my gyaan so I shall leave some things to you wild wild imaginations). The reason for this sudden “miser-syndrome) is that I have an acquaintance who has managed to “save” around 40k since she was in school. Now, that chick admittedly has no real life but that is some feat in my books. 40k is a lot of moolah. I have been trying to save up to buy a snazzy new phone and so far that hasn’t happened (and something tells me it ain’t going to happen any time soon). So I am going to try to save a certain amount of money every day (even if its 10bucks) and hopefully by 2012 I will have enough to buy a new phone * smug *

#6 I will try and LISTEN more and TALK less – I have been told on more than one occasion that I don’t listen to people (and that I am cruel, insensitive, blunt, uncaring, irritating, bitchy etc etc. but I can only handle one problem a year so this year it’s the listening issues). Most of the people who complain about my listening problem don’t realize that they are insignificant entities in my life and I don’t really give a damn about what they are saying because their opinion doesn’t matter. Yet they feel they should try to save me from utter doom and destruction by telling me about my “problem” and trying to put on a supportive face to make me believe that they want to help – well you win…I will try to listen to your insignificant tattling (or atleast pretend to listen better than before).

#7 …ok ummm I think I ought to stop now – this post is getting way too long and I’m actually getting bored writing it so heaven forbid I subject the few followers I have to more torture. I know you are far from interested in knowing my resolutions because there are so many other problems in the world but then I had to open my blogging account on the new year with a new post and somehow I have not yet gained full brain function from the new year frolic so it could take a while before something more sensible gets posted…HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!