The Law of Expectations

Whether acknowledged or not, expectations are ingrained in our lives, shaping our interactions with ourselves, work, family, and even our pets. As Shakespeare astutely noted, it's the existence of these expectations that often leads to heartache. It's a relentless cycle with countless variables, yet it invariably culminates in disappointment.

Life is the ultimate Catch-22, a paradoxical conundrum that encapsulates our existence. As depicted in the chart, even when our expectations are met initially, they tend to escalate, surpassing the realm of attainability and culminating in disappointment. To claim exemption from expectations is to imply a state akin to that of a single-celled microorganism, devoid of consciousness. No living being, with hand to heart, can deny harboring expectations, save for the deceased.

Now, as for providing a remedy to counter this cyclic disillusionment, alas, none exists. We endure these perpetual disappointments by virtue of their varying magnitudes, ranging from profoundly devastating to inconsequential. Herein lie a few archetypal degrees of disappointment, each echoing a common refrain:

Case 1: Devastating Disappointment

Consider a girl's fervent anticipation of her long-time boyfriend's unwavering support and commitment, only to discover his absence in her moments of need. While she stood steadfastly by his side through thick and thin, he prioritized every facet of his life—career, family, friends, even the neighbor's dog—above her. This realization shatters her expectations, precipitating an existential crisis and eroding her trust in love and human connections. Despite her best efforts, a lingering shadow of distrust persists.

Case 2: Manageable Disappointment

Two inseparable friends, likened to modern-day Siamese twins, find solace and joy in their shared experiences. However, as one embarks on the journey of marriage and new beginnings, their bond begins to fray. The married friend's priorities shift, leaving her less inclined to spend time with her single companion. Moreover, her well-intentioned but misguided attempts to intervene in her friend's love life inadvertently strain their relationship, leading to a palpable sense of disappointment and distance.

Case 3: Mild Disappointment

An enthusiastic job applicant eagerly awaits the outcome of a promising interview, convinced of their qualifications and preparedness. However, upon receiving the rejection notice, they experience a twinge of disappointment. While momentarily disheartened, they swiftly recalibrate their expectations, recognizing the inherent unpredictability of the job market. Though the setback stings, it serves as a catalyst for resilience and renewed determination in their pursuit of professional fulfillment.

In essence, life's tapestry is woven with threads of expectation and disappointment, each strand contributing to the intricate mosaic of human experience. Yet, embracing a mindset of acceptance and detachment from specific outcomes can offer solace amidst life's fluctuations.

P.S. - Old post alert! This post was sitting in my drafts since 30/09/2016...trying to get back into writing as a means of distraction

The Diary of an Indian Hoarder

Hello Everyone,

I am an Indian and I love to hoard things - those two might seem inherently exclusive traits but mark my words, they aren't! Growing up, my parent's taught me that I should respect books (because they are akin to Goddess Saraswati) and should not break my toys (because they are expensive to replace)...everything can be used and re-used till it's down to dust!

Old clothes which can't fit into/have worn out till their last thread should be turned into dusting cloth, hand-me-downs need to be preserved for the next generation, toys are for eternity, gift wrap needs to be re-used (because we love the environment so much)...you get the drift!

Problem : "If we have it...It must be of some use"
Solution : Accept the fact that everything can NOT be re-used, like humans, medicines and relationships - EVERYTHING has a shelf life! Once an item exceeds its expiry date - it should no longer be used/kept - no matter how dear the item might seem.

Inorder to start afresh, we need to dump the old. Memories are precious - items dating back to 1942, unless deemed antiques, ARE NOT!

I recently started auditing my clothes to get rid of things that I had not worn for 2 years or more and realised - I AM A HOARDER. I took out a section of my wardrobe and stared at it for close to an hour...trying to justify the existence of each and every worn out faded item of clothing I saw.

An hour and a half later...I decided to put everything back the way it was. The decision to part ways with my favorite tshirt from college, that skirt I used to wear when I was young, those jeans which no longer fit but remind me of "what used to be"...broke my heart! I couldn't do it...or could I?

I pushed myself against the wall and decided to give away half of my "Gone Were the Days" wardrobe and try to rebuild it with functional clothing that would neither make me look like a "wannabe teen" nor a "desperate grandma". How far I succeeded is still a grey area (this is being typed as I cling on to an old pair of one-size-too-small jeans). Apart from clothes, I hoard everything from empty Flipkart boxes to wrapping paper - with the hope that SOMEDAY I will use them to make something awesome.

That day may never come - HOARDING IS A DISEASE! We tend to stock up on useless junk with some pretext or the other - either we try to justify its functionality/recyclability or attach memories to it. I saw a recent advertisement on TV for OLX (an app used to sell old/used items) whose message was - if you don't get rid of the old how will you get new stuff? If only we all thought this way. Decluttering ones life not only heightens productivity with all the free space around but also gives you a chance to get new stuff and replace the old.

I cleared out a part of my wardrobe in an attempt to declutter - 3 jam packed shelves reduced to one! I can't begin to tell you the delight it is to open my cupboard now...not only are things NOT tumbling out and causing me injury but the mere sight of seeing all that space in the morning fills me with hope (sounds strange but its true). Inorder to overcome this disease we need to take one thing at a time - the ultimate aim remains DECLUTTERING ones life.

Ways to declutter:

1. Donate old clothes / shoes - if you haven't fit into it for the last 5 years - chances are YOU NEVER WILL - realize this and GET RID OF IT. There will be someone less fortunate than you who will be able to make use of that item.

2. Throw away old packaging / wrapping - you will not turn that old shoe box into an snazzy box to store things...you are 28, working, with no kids - ARTS AND CRAFTS IS NOT HAPPENING. Gift wrap will set you back 5-20 bucks - you aren't attending parties every day - you don't have to be prepared for an apocalypse party that would need you to recycle gift wrap

3. Old course books / notebooks - hanging on to books you used many moons ago will not be of much use - 6th grade won't repeat itself and your kids will have a completely different curriculum when they get around to it...chances are the books won't make it that far

4. Stop holding on to the past - this is something applicable both to material aswell as immaterial things - the moment we let go...we can get rid of that thing!

Would love to hear more hoarding stories - and get tips on how to overcome this deadly disease!
Lets De-molish and de-clutter!!

In Pursuit of Happiness

Everyone wants to be happy - everyone likes to talk about the path of attaining eternal happiness and peace - from self help authors to the aunty who lives across from you. Everyone!

Nobody fundamentally enjoys being in a state of sorrow, unhappy people seldom enjoy their condition. How does one attain happiness? The truth is, the path to happiness is full of thorns - thorns that tear at your flesh with each passing step. How many of us are brave enough to tread that path and have our feet pierced? How many of us resign to fate and compromise with the situation we are in and tell ourselves that we are indeed HAPPY? So in general people are classified as Genuinely Happy and Pseudo Happy - usually divided in a 20:80 ratio.

So what does one need to do to be genuinely happy?

#1 - Find and pursue your passion - it may or may not be rational or practical but it will be fulfilling
#2 - Stop thinking about World Happiness and worry about your own - living for the sake of others may seem like an extremely nobel thing to do but it does not guarantee Genuine Happiness
#3 - Be proactive, move towards happiness - the path may be littered with broken glass/barbed wire but every inch towards the ultimate goal counts, happiness won't miraculously fall into your lap
#4 - Take ownership of your choices - they may not be correct in the eyes of your peers, parents, society etc but they are right for you - stick to them
#5 - Remember to find joy in small things - seeing a stray puppy roll in dirt or chase after its tail, watching birds fetch for their young...small events, which we tend to overlook, bring heaps of happiness if you search hard enough
#6 - Don't dwell on things in the past - what you did, why you did it, what will be the outcome of what you've done...the list of self loathing and sorrow is endless. What's done is done - it can't be undone till someone invents a time machine. No point destroying your present and future over it.
#7 - Learn to be your own strength - often we rely on people to give us strength through our tough times...a friend, partner, parent...they are nothing more than facilitators of happiness. Nobody can make you happy unless you want to be
#8 -  Focus on positives, be around positive people - when things go wrong, everything seems grey. At that point try to find positivity around you and soak it in...it could come from situations or people or even inanimate things
#9 - Talk about your issues! I know alot of eyebrows will be raised by conformists who feel its wrong to wash your dirty laundry in public. But the fact of the matter is that if you talk/bitch about it - it takes a burden off your chest. There are times when situations get blown out of proportion because people around you don't understand the need to vent but eventually those people will see the light. Even if they don't - it shouldn't matter to you.
#10 - Realise that the path of happiness may cause pain to people who can't see things the way you do. You need to prioritize, who's happiness matters more? Your neighborhood gossip aunty's or your own?

The bucket list of things to do could go on forever, but the point hidden beneath all these points is simple - the World is not full of clones, everyone has their own ideology and thought process which cause a hindrance to the happiness of others, directly or indirectly. People frown when a girl struts down the road baring her stomach and legs in a barely there outfit..."Slut" they murmur beneath their breath. They fail to see that she's dressing the way she wants to, the way she feels comfortable...the way that makes her happy. Similarly (in the interest of not giving a gender biased example), if a man chooses not to marry and/or have children because he values his freedom and space...people begin to assume he swings the other way or better still - there must be something wrong down South.

Hinderances to Happiness:

#1 - YOU - we are our biggest roadblocks, we get scared of treading the path of happiness because more often than not it gets perceived as rebellion
#2 - Society - be it neighbors or relatives or even the random passer by who doesn't even know your name - their idea of happiness < >  (does not equal) yours! They will continue to talk and gossip and sigh...let it not affect you
#3 - Lack of resources - more often than not, our happiness hinges on our finances - no money no happiness (again contrary to the idealist view of money can't buy happiness)
#4 - Fear of the future - Indians have a disease, they plan and plan and over plan. They plan for 3 generations (whether or not they will be around to witness those generations reaping the fruit from the tree they sowed is immaterial). They are so busy worrying about their next generations happiness, they forget that they need to be happy too
#5 - Self inflicted inhibitions - I guess this point sums up everything above. Due to society and our inherent fears we cage ourselves in a Pseudo Happy World.

Surprisingly, even I am not Genuinely Happy - atleast not completely. I have taken some rather drastic steps to get one step closer to Genuine Happiness but the path seems like a downward spiral of sorrow. The trick is to focus on the The Bigger Picture - doing something today may seem like the worst decision ever but if you believe it will make you happy - STICK TO IT!

Happiness and Sadness are both temporary states of mind...it's in your hand to make them permanent! Choose wisely!

8 Seconds

You have the attention span of a gold fish! How many times have you been told that - be honest now…

While studies have been conducted to refute the fact that goldfish have an attention span of 9 seconds - they still get a bad name. I haven't blogged in over 2 years now and honestly I could validate that by giving a gazillion excuses ranging from I switched jobs to my neighbors cat died. The truth of the fact is that I’m lazy. 

So what prompted this post? A tall lanky just-stopped-being-a-teenager-boy. A UI Designer who came in for an interview. Now as a good recruiter (yea stop raising those eyebrows I AM GOOD) I am supposed to do a thorough check on every candidate. So when one thinks UI Designer - studying automobile engineering (geek!) - still trying to clear his backlogs (WTF?!?!) - famous for inventing an alarm clock that shocks you out of bed…aha you've stopped paying attention haven't you?

Ok I am not trying to blog about this kid, he already has a blog of his own (http://experiments.themadscientistlab.com/) - I got moved by a comment he made about my last (enormously long) blog post - he tried to read it and lost focus less than half way through. To cover up my embarrassment I promptly told him to read my other posts (I DO WRITE SHORT POSTS!)

As pissed as I was by his honesty - I decided to comeback by writing this post - as human beings are evolving our attention spans are getting shorter and shorter. A lot of us suffer from some form of ADD and don't even realize it because its normal to get bored…we are Gen Y after all…or are we Gen Z? Argh whatever. So what does one do to keep someone interested? Keep it simple - keep it short.

I can’t count the number of times my brain has just switched off while interviewing a candidate - because IHTBSB (short for "I’ve Heard This Bullshit Before)...or the number of times I switch stations on the radio while traveling to work...SMS lingo has killed the English language by all but eliminating the vowels. Food has become fast, data no longer sits on your computer’s hard disk - it floats on a cloud, books are no longer read, pages no longer turned - you've not heard of a Kindle and Audio Books? Were you living under a rock all these years?!?! 

Decreasing attention spans are increasing innovation - there are people out there constantly trying to churn out cool new stuff to ensure you get bored quicker and they have an opportunity to launch a next version which promises to be x times better/faster/more convenient than its predecessor - to continue to engage you as their "valued customer" (read commercial guinea pig). 

Ok I’m going to abruptly end this post now…because I’ve lost track of why I was writing it in the first place :-/ eeeks

P.S. It just takes a tiny nudge to break a writers block - I got two such nudges - a big thank you to Laddu (for not having the attention span of a goldfish and enduring ALL my posts) and to Sankalp Sinha for telling me my blog post is too long (I hope this one manages to retain your attention)

Identity Crisis!!!

Helloooo my beetle bugs…Guess who’s back…I got a death threat from someone for not writing in more often so I thought I’d give it a try yet again…for all those who have read my last post “9 to Fine” you will be glad to know that I have left “that job”…errm I left it ages ago actually and got a “better job” and well I still echo pretty much the same sentiments as I did before so not much has changed there…so now since every piece of writing must have a purpose I’ll have to come up with something to defeat the utterly lackluster, mundane-ness of my purposeless existence…hmmmm…I’d say this is worse than a writers road-block…maybe if you are reading this and are bored to death you might want to suggest something interesting for me to write about aka shred and dissect till the subject is significantly humiliated…

The topic of todays post – is a blog post I read titled Death Metal and the Indian Identity by a certain Akshay Ahuja…this post was a suggested reading by a really good friend of mine who happens to enjoy his music quite a bit. Now for the benefit of those who want to go ahead and read the post – here is the link http://www.guernicamag.com/features/525/death_metal_and_the_indian_ide_1/ and for all those who work late and really can’t be bothered to go through a 1000 word essay on a topic they may or may not really be able to relate to I shall sum it up as briefly as possible (a little rich coming from someone who loves to wax eloquent about the smallest of things). Anyway so the blog post is basically a story about a friendship between the author and a “bad-ass rocker” called Pradyum…how they met…and became friends etc etc etc. Now the bad ass rocker boy has a semi pro death metal band predictably called Cremated Souls. Their band has a website that’s in French (because a French band liked their tape and did them some charity) and blatantly bashes the Indian appreciation for death metal, exaggerates the bands morbidity and suffering to be lapped up by those who enjoy such genres of music and has songs that “apparently” deal with “Indian” issues.

Pradyum dutifully doles out gyan to our author in a rather somber “know-it-all” fashion when he talks about forming an “identity” with your music. Upon further reading we are introduced to Pradyums classic-Indian-middle-class-mommy who doles out piping hot food from the kitchen with as much efficiency as her “rogue” son hands out pearls of his new-found wisdom. We meet the fiancée who comes home over the weekends (ok so maybe they are classic middle class bordering on liberal) and works in a call center (ahaan! Whoever doubted the classic Indian-ness of the household?)

The band members (predictably all “rogue” children of “decent-middle-class-Indian-households”) rather ingeniously attempt to make their “own identity” by painting tshirts and adopting a brazen “couldn’t care less about traditional values and Indian-ness” attitude. Even more predictably so each and every band member had a list of favorites (again a rather clichéd list of favorites…I wonder why us common folk don’t have such lists…hmmm). Pradyum was seen as an ideal band leader – determined, focused, with a perfectly formed “identity”! Now all this was a sort of flash back sequence preparing us for what was about to happen – jump to today – Pradyum and the author meet at a fest where his band (now renamed Gorified – oooo how I “totally identify” with the new name) perform a rather lackluster gig!

Jump to 1.5yrs later – the bands been dismembered (because the others weren’t “serious” enough), Pradyum – now married with a temporary “full time” job in real estate brokerage – has joined a new band that plays melo-death called Infinite Dreams…he had sold his guitar (the seven stringer with Steve Vai’s pickups) because it did not suit the “identity” of his current band…

There ends a story – or does it? We are all so eager to catagorise ourselves inorder to form an “identity” that we tend to forget who we really are. You can enjoy death metal or melo-death and yet not know how to strum a single chord…you can be a choir nerd who appreciates classic rock…outwardly appearance doesn’t matter. It is all a farce. We are what we are from the inside and not much can change that – we can pose for as long as it takes but sooner or later the truth will catch up to us and bite us in the a**. I guess Indians tend to suffer more from this “pseudo –identity-adoption-syndrome” because we are forever in awe of our western cousins and are constantly aspiring to go to “phoren”. Being a brown person isn’t seen as a good thing – why else would ladies be bleaching their hair peroxide blonde and decking up from head to toe in expensive goods from “phoren”. This article can spiral into a never ending conundrum of psychological hoo-haa about being at one with yourself and comfortable in your own skin and all that jazz but that I shall save for another discourse – for those of you who don’t know me – I hate psychology – it categorizes human behavior and stereotypes personalities according to the theories some pre-historic drunk one laid out – but that shall be saved for another rant…

Karmic Impalement

Ok for those of you whose 2010 has ushered in countless treasures of happiness, joy and all things pink and poofy – I envy you. My 2010 has been anything but joyful, it is only the 3^rd day of this wretched year and some of us have already faced the wrath of being evil in 2009. I hate dentists (no disrespect to all my beloved dentist friends but I hate dentists), I try real hard to love them because they care for our teeth and we need teeth to eat food and I really love food, but I still hate dentists. Now last year I had a rather uncomfortable encounter with a certain dentist who caused me immense pain as he ruthlessly tried yanking out my poor ol’ wisdom tooth which didn’t even get a chance to completely emerge (the darn thing rot before it could emerge into the precious confines of my glorious mouth). Well that tooth was one tough cookie with curvy roots and what not; our beloved dentist was no match for super tooth. So in comes a dentist-surgeon (or whatever they are called) who skillfully cuts super tooth out leaving behind stitches in my MOUTH (I had never in my wildest dreams imagined getting stitches in my mouth). Anyways I had a rather ugly show-down with my dentist which ended in my terminating our “relationship” hoping desperately never to need a dentist again.

So come 2010 and all is well till the dreadful night of 02/01/2010; I was blissfully brushing my pearlies when all of a sudden my brush bristles collided with the back of my mouth emanating a shooting pain that resonated through my brain! “Oh sh*t!” was my one and only reaction…I gathered up my guts and decided to casually slip it into the conversation with my mom that I “may” have a tooth issue. Now my mom freaks out whenever there are issues pertaining to teeth in the picture and I was dutifully sent to the next best dental clinic for an examination.

Now entering a dental clinic is almost like strolling into a squeaky clean hell with fluorescent lights and bright smiles! So I formulate a game plan – I shall threaten the dentist and warn him about the consequences should things get “complicated”. The dentist seemed like a nice guy, all bright and shiny with his perfect set of teeth. He listened, chuckled, made a few wise cracks and assured me that he would find the “root” of the problem and eliminate it with minimum pain. After his investigation he gave me a look – a look which doctors give to terminally ill patients whose time has come, a look which (in “dentistical” terms) spells E.X.T.R.A.C.T.I.O.N! But since he was playing “good cop” he decided to run me through the whole procedure and assured me there would be no need to operate (I shouldn’t have fallen for that assuring face!).

He wrote down a prescription of antibiotics and gave me an appointment for later in the evening – equivalent to handing down a death sentence to an innocent man! Sitting in the dentists chair made me feel like the pilot of a space mission to the sun…I was scared – I admit it – I hate drills, I hate surgical instruments – I hate dentists! He began the procedure by sticking an enormous injection into my mouth rendering the area comfortably numb (I wish he’d have numbed my brain and eyes too so I wouldn’t have to go through the whole process). He tells me to raise my hand if I feel any pain – I raise it right away – much to the amusement of the dentist and his ass – I WAS IN PAIN from the giant injection!!! A few painstaking minutes into the procedure – the tooth refused to budge (why oh why did he have to pull out a perfectly good tooth). Out came more surgical instruments – the rest – is too gruesome to divulge in detail. I ended up – a good 45 minutes later – with my mouth swollen like a guppy, stuffed with cotton, feeling comfortably numb with a strange taste of blood in my mouth (not very pleasant I tell you – dunno how vampires do it).

As I sulked back home, I took some time to reflect on my situation…ITS KARMA…I had been karmically impaled by the wrath of the tooth fairy who conspired with the dental world! Karma’s a bitch – I hate dentist – they robbed me of all my wisdom - I feel stupid now! What luck…or lack of it…I hate karma…*&$^!@#&%!*@^@%

Thank you for all bearing with me…I can’t talk so I chose this medium to vent!

My final words - I hate dentists, more than that I hate TEETH (since they are the ROOT cause of all my miseries at the moment)...we should not have teeth, nourishment should come out of a glass with a curly straw...how awsome that would be...sigh 

Another Year, Another Callender :)

Ok so 2009 is over, 2010 has begun and brought with it a myriad of misery and woe (not for everyone, I speak only for myself and all those who like to wallow in self pity and hate the world for existing). For starters my intellectually stunted brain will have to adjust to the fact that the date will no longer be dd/mm/2009 but dd/mm/2010 – which will take a few months to register and sink in leading to several errors places that require dates to be written. But then again that shouldn’t be such a big cause of misery (or should it?)…the New Year marks a new beginning for all the “happy happy joy joy” types of people in the world – they make resolutions and keep trying to convince themselves that they will keep those resolutions for longer than they did in the last year…and the year before that…and the year before the year before that…

The New Year for others also marks a time when they reflect on all that they have done in the previous year and contemplate how good/bad their lives have been thus far and again make promises to themselves to improve their lives and do that much more to be better people and what not. They look at the New Year as a time of hope, a new beginning, starting afresh, watching unicorns dancing across a star spangled sky with rainbows and butterflies in their picture perfect candy-floss tinted world…No disrespect for such people – I actually admire the way you live in your own make believe parallel universe where there’s so much hope and happiness…

The New Year for me is a time of supreme sadness as I look back at how I’ve wasted another year of my life doing absolutely nothing productive to add to my net worth. It’s a time to reflect on all the things that have gone wrong in the past and to mope about how they will continue to go wrong in the future because some people learn from their mistakes whilst others “wonder” what would happen if they committed the same mistake again – would the outcome be different or is there a slight possibility that it might end up differently this time? This particular New Year has been especially sad – college is about to get over, I am being forced to choose the least crappy job from a number of crappy jobs being offered to me, I watch my classmates from back in the days have the time of their lives enjoying (or pretending to enjoy) whatever they do. It’s a time when I try to lay to rest my daemons only to have them come back to life in less than a week from their burial, a time when I realize that the fight is futile – its better to run and run fast before my deeds catch up with me and destroy the little speckles of happiness in my otherwise dark and desolate world…Before anyone starts to think this whole post is going to be a desperate cry for pity because its not…its merely an off beat take on the joy and merriment of the holiday cheer...

Right now since the whole world is out making resolutions and trying ever so hard to adhere to them – I too shall break my long tradition of being anti-resolution and make a few of my own…so here goes:

#1 I shall spend less of my waking hours on Facebook and other such networking sites (they know who they are) playing lame ass games, taking mind numbing quizzes and consequently feeling like I have achieved a lot in life. I don’t need a quiz created by some bored, slightly neurotic, hormonally imbalanced teenager to tell me how pretty/smart/pleasant/lovable/athletic/etc I am because no one else will. I will make a conscious effort to grow out of it…right after I plough my farm and plant the poinsettia’s.

#2 I shall try to create, patent and follow my own exercise routine…yoga/pilates/aerobics/gym are passé. It’s high time someone did something creative that would encourage people to actually wake up and move their lazy ass’s off the couch. This exercise routine will not be time bound, it can be done at any time convenient (since most obese people aren’t morning people – there is absolutely no need to wake up in the morning and work out). The technique shall be simple, the “exerciser” will simply have to raise their arms up in the air and run around the block screaming “The end is here…2012 was a lie”. This will attract a whole horde of people who will chase after the “exerciser”…some of those will support the conspiracy theory whilst others would want to throw rocks at him/her. This will make the “exerciser” run until the chase ends in the “exerciser” being cornered. At that stage he/she should drop to the floor and “play dead” thus relaxing the muscles in their body. Once several attempts have been made to resuscitate them and they are feeling relaxed – they can simply get up, brush the dirt off their clothes, yell “April Fools” and begin a light jog back home (chances are the angry mob might follow so it could range from light jog to a run-for-your-life sprint). This technique should burn approximately 1000 calories per attempt (provided you don’t go home and hog out of anxiety), but should not be repeated more than once in the same locality (you might just get arrested or sent to the looney bin or both).

#3 I will attempt to subject the world to more torturous blogs than I have last year (I had a bit of a dry spell in between that makes me feel like a Blog Virgin right now). However, my blog posts will be utterly senseless and somewhat mind-numbingly stupid so STATUTORY WARNING: read at your own risk – or with a crash helmet (incase your brain explodes due to an overload of insanity – the helmet will help the contents from spilling out).

#4 I will spend more time doing recreational activities that I did not pursue last year because I thought (and was told on some occasions) that I suck at them. I’d hate to have to toss and turn in my grave because I didn’t try my hand out at air guitaring or graffiti! So I will adopt a rather large “I don’t give a f*ck what you think” attitude and go out and do what I gota do! But if the torture gets overbearing (to me) I’ll prolly stop.

#5 I plan to spend less money on…ummm those things that I spend money on (I am sorry but if I were to list all those explicit items I might get arrested and then the world will be deprived of my gyaan so I shall leave some things to you wild wild imaginations). The reason for this sudden “miser-syndrome) is that I have an acquaintance who has managed to “save” around 40k since she was in school. Now, that chick admittedly has no real life but that is some feat in my books. 40k is a lot of moolah. I have been trying to save up to buy a snazzy new phone and so far that hasn’t happened (and something tells me it ain’t going to happen any time soon). So I am going to try to save a certain amount of money every day (even if its 10bucks) and hopefully by 2012 I will have enough to buy a new phone * smug *

#6 I will try and LISTEN more and TALK less – I have been told on more than one occasion that I don’t listen to people (and that I am cruel, insensitive, blunt, uncaring, irritating, bitchy etc etc. but I can only handle one problem a year so this year it’s the listening issues). Most of the people who complain about my listening problem don’t realize that they are insignificant entities in my life and I don’t really give a damn about what they are saying because their opinion doesn’t matter. Yet they feel they should try to save me from utter doom and destruction by telling me about my “problem” and trying to put on a supportive face to make me believe that they want to help – well you win…I will try to listen to your insignificant tattling (or atleast pretend to listen better than before).

#7 …ok ummm I think I ought to stop now – this post is getting way too long and I’m actually getting bored writing it so heaven forbid I subject the few followers I have to more torture. I know you are far from interested in knowing my resolutions because there are so many other problems in the world but then I had to open my blogging account on the new year with a new post and somehow I have not yet gained full brain function from the new year frolic so it could take a while before something more sensible gets posted…HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!

 

A Pertinent Question...

For those of you who think I am a “lovelorn teenager” who constantly writes about pain/misery/heartache etc. I would like to clarify that chronologically I am waaay beyond my teen years however somewhere down the line I feel I got stuck in a time warp which has made me become the way I am right now. It was probably the late exposure to feelings pertaining to love/lust/whatever comes in between. Or it might be attributed to the fact that I have never really understood the concept of being “in love”.

I had/have a really good friend who had a concept – I found the concept a rather sneaky way of passing the love round, but then to each his/her own. The concept was that one can “love” many people i.e. that gives you the liberty to say “I love you” to as many people as you feel the “love” for…however, one is only allowed to be “in love” with one person i.e. that person gets a little extra lovin’ and ofcourse the “I love you” stays. Now the concept, in my opinion, is rather amusing and very progressive for someone like me (yes for all those who think I am an icon of the progressive age – please reconsider). I am rather deluded by the concept of love and romance – as far as I know – it should not be all candy coated love/PDA/materialistic – because that would just be fakin it. On the other hand it should also not be so subtle that the other person doesn’t catch the “lurve vibes”. 

Which brings me to the pertinent question that’s been plaguing my mind for I don’t know how long – How does one deal with heartache (attached to the break up)? Now for those of you yelling – GOOGLE IT…I know that there 207,000 entries on “How to deal with heartache” available on Google but most of it involves binge eating, shopping, hanging out with friends, getting make over’s etc etc. All these things are superficial distractions that help take ones mind off the impending pain and consequent numbness that follows. Is there a non superficial fool proof way of getting rid of the pain that’s so deep and so seemingly unbearable that it leads to an acute numbness – one that renders the sufferer incapable of any emotion at all? Now this whole theory of pain would sound rather alien to people who have a modern and rather practical view of love and relationships, the kinds who know how to get over it and move on, the kind who don’t brood and mope about wondering why them, the kind who breathe a sigh of relief that their onion breath lover is now their ex onion breath lover. Onion breath or not – certain people rely on escapism to help them “cope” with the pain and often end up pretending to be oh so happy whilst they try to burry the pain under layers and layers of pseudo happiness. However, the pain/numbness is still there right? So technically they aren’t coping, they are merely avoiding confrontation with the pain – for fear of the fact that confrontation will only lead to more pain. 

So what does one do? Turn superficial? Not value relationships as much and adopt a more practical, selfish view that ensures a win win situation for them always? Have random sex with their neighbours wife to seek solace and vent out the pent up angst? It’s a rather pertinent question open to debate – How to deal with heartache? 

Blame it on the AGE!

It’s been a while since I blogged and shared my pearls of wisdom with all those jobless enough to read my blog…The huge sabbatical wasn’t because I was trying to come up with something out of the world to impress people with (as is the excuse used by most jobless writers)… I simply had nothing to write about! Quite shocking coming from someone as opinionated as me right? Well, blame it on the age, I'm a 20 something who could easily pass off for a Senior Citizen – I seem to be having a serious "end life crisis" way before my time! I just got over with my Summer Training – which was good for the most part but nothing worth writing about – like every other job – there were moments of utter despair where I wanted to rip a certain somebody’s head off her shoulder and feed it to the maggots! 

Anyways, back to my mid life crisis – I seem to hate everything around me, my paranoia has reached such extreme levels I feel like the whole world is conspiring against me! Shit has been happening over and over again – but that’s not anything I’d like to write about either…so what is the burning topic of the season? The extreme heat in Delhi…followed by a slight drizzle that sends reporters in a tizzy? Or the apparent death/faked death of a certain yester year Pop Star/child molester/plastic factory? Or the legalization of Homosexuality? (seriously what is the government trying to prove? Can they actually make us believe that India can go from Stone Age to Space Age in terms of sexuality?) Or maybe the “Grand Swayamvar” of a struggling actress on whom the “creator” forgot to fit a brain as she was better endowed at other places! (Seriously lady – GET A LIFE – your films flop, your music videos flop…yet you keep desperately trying to hog the limelight by getting “forcibly” kissed by b grade musicians/dumping your boyfriend on national television/trying to act like a coy bride-to-be with your low cut blouses that leave nothing to imagination…I applaud your stubbornness). 

Moving on to how I could critique Hindi cinema (one can never get enough of that) but what has been happening lately that’s remotely worth talking about? The strike came and went, leaving us with a lineup of absolutely terrible films to lap up – making me wish that it would be a lot better if the strike HADN’T ended! Then along comes a film like New York – which I’d like to call eye candy for the brain – it had a social message, very good looking people in the lead roles – an okay-ish execution without going too over the top with the “social message”…and just when we thought Hindi cinema might just be improving – the very next week a movie like Kambakhhhht EEEks is released…Now I don’t know about you but for me – passing off Kareena Kapoor aka Bebo as an aspiring surgeon is like imagining Mother Teresa lap dancing for Snoop Dog (Forgive me for saying such things ma’am and all those who want to pelt me with stones for making such a comparison)…Then there’s the senseless story which starts with a man-hating-bra-burning-feminist type Bebo and a womanizer Action Kumar – the story progresses as aspiring surgeon hottie (who by the way hates Actions rippling guts) leaves a watch in macho-man-playboy-stunt double’s stomach – not just any watch, oh no…this is a bollyholly watch – one that goes “Mangalam Mangalam” so loud it can be heard out of Actions frail intestines that have worn down due to all his super exaggerated, digitally enhanced “action sequences”. Now hottie dockie gets all freaked out that she might get sued by Action for malpractice so she tries the act of seduction to get the watch back – here is what may have been running through her mind – “ok let me wear the teeniest clothes I have (can’t go in the buff because we are Indian and this is an Indian film and I am an Indian woman – its ok if the white chicks are scantily clad – they have no morals anyways)…get drunk and dance around reminding him that I am Bebo. Once he’s lost in transition as he admires my ribs and hip bones, I will put my hand down his throat and retrieve the watch (such a Religious object has no place in such an immoral mans gutt), if things get ugly I will have to make out with the dog (oh the misery!) but obviously I cant have sex, getting drunk and wearing hankie sized clothes is ok but sex is a NO NO…” So as things would have it – Action falls in lurve (he was bound to, seeing how hot those ribs and hip bones are) and pops the question. Bebo does a Rakhi Sawant a la Swayamvar Style and says NO…I can’t possibly marry you – you’re a male (Rakhi might have other reasons though)! Then Action uses the jealousy angle and pits a firangi hottie against poor Bebo to bring her to her senses. In the end it all ends happily ever after like every other Hindi film! (Save yourselves the torture of watching it)  

So films are really not worth writing about! With all that said, I have nothing going on in my life that would inspire me enough to write something that would be remotely interesting/readable to anybody with half a gram of brain. I was told by my Industry Mentor (during my Training) that I have no life! And this is coming from a 30 something man with a wife and kids – what could be worse? I might aswell wear thick rimmed glasses and granny panties and go shopping for laxatives for my constipated bowels! It may be a while before I write again - blame it on the age!

100 Truths...I am Seriously Bored

1. Last beverage: Water

2. Last phone call: Some dork from Citi Bank trying to force me to take a credit card

3. Last text message: Chandu

4. Last song you listened to: Gotta Be Somebody (Nickelback)

5. Last time you cried: Yesterday...whatever - like its so sissy to cry

HAVE YOU EVER...

1. Dated someone twice: meaning what? Been on more than one date with anyone? Yes

2. Been cheated on? Yes

3. Kissed someone & regretted it? Yes (thankfully it doesn’t ask for details)

4. Lost someone special? Yes

5. Been depressed? Yea my shrink would probably answer this one better

6. Been drunk and threw up? Cant remember how many times

LIST FOUR FAVORITE COLORS:

1. Black

2. Grey

3. Red

4. Pink

HAVE YOU:

1. Made new friends: Yea that’s the way life is – new "acquaintences" rather

2. Fallen out of love: Yes...quite a hard fall

3. Laughed until you cried: Hell yea!

4. Met someone who changed you: Yes

5. Found out who your true friends were: Yes…the number is so small its not even worth a mention

6. Found out someone was talking about you: Yea lots of people talk about me – mostly behind my back – I’ve attained celebrity status in the lives of people living in loservile

7. Kissed anyone of your friends: yea duh…if I have a relationship with a guy it usually starts with friendship

8. Would you go on a blind date: hell no – next thing you know I’m sitting across a table from a blind gorrilla trying to make small talk

9. How many kids do you want to have: One is probably going to be one too many…I’m not really a kids person

10. Do you have any pets: yes – a bitch named Lexie

11. Do you want to change your name: Ummm no it’s a little too late for that now

12. What did you do for your last birthday: I just remember alcohol, my best buddy malika, riding an elephant on the main road and paneer tikka…does that make any sense?

13. What time did you wake up today: 6:45 am thanks to my canine alarm clock who never lets me sleep past that time

14. What were you doing at midnight last night: Tossing and turning in bed

15. Name something you CANNOT wait for: The third world war/apocalypse

16. Last time you saw your father: A few minutes ago (why is this question here? Do these people doubt that I know who my father is??...or is it an attempt to make the world realise that ppl who fill out such lame questionaire r usually the kinds who have a troubled childhood n live in the bronx?)

17. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: there are so many things I wish I had done differently – but those are things that cant really be undone now so its too late for all that – therefore this question is irrelevant
18. Most visited webpage: anything that has to do with social networking – my world is turning more virtual by the second

1. What's your name: Kapila

2. Nicknames: Kaps, K, KP, Pande, Pandu, KC, Kapu…blah the list is endless

3. Zodiac sign: Scorpio

5. Male or female or transgendered: Female till the last time I checked

6. Elementary: Morula

7. School: SPSS & Ryan International

8. Colleges: RLA/DU...n now Crapeejay

10. Hair color: Black

11. Long or short: short – its been trying to grow forever

16. Height: 5’ 6"

17. Do you have a crush on someone? No I am beyond the stage of crushing

18. Ever been in love? Yes

19. Piercings? Ears (twice) and belly

20. Tattoos? Yes

21. Righty or lefty: Righty...actually im a convert - started off a Lefty

FIRSTS :

22. First surgery: None that i know of yet - who knows i might have had too much to drink n passed out one fine day n someone removed my kidney n sold it for a fortune...without my knowledge

23. First piercing: Ears – done so far back I cant remember

24. First best friend: Malika

26. First sport you loved: Gymnastics

27. First pet : Lexie

28. First vacation: That was too long ago to remember

29. First concert: Euphoria

30. First crush: Toriq – this Cuban boy who was my neighbour when I was little – we used to play cricket together

RIGHT NOW:

49. Eating: Nothing – its too early in the morning to eat

50. Drinking: Nothing – I wish I had some alcohol though

52. I'm about to: Go Crazy

53. Listening to: Still Day Beneath the Sun (Opeth)

55. Waiting for: the world to end

YOUR FUTURE :

58. Want kids? NO NO and NO

59. Want to get married? Its probably the last thing on my to do list

60. Careers in mind? None what-so-ever…I am not satisfied enough with my current situation to give a damn

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?

68. Lips or eyes: Eyes

69. Hugs or kisses: Hugs

70. Shorter or taller: Taller

71. Older or Younger: Older

72. Romantic or spontaneous: Romantic

73. Nice stomach or nice arms: Arms definitely – but that doesn’t mean he should have Michelin Tyres for a belly

74. Sensitive or loud: : Sensitive

75. Hook-up or relationship: Relationship

76. Trouble maker or hesitant: Hesitant…but not too hesitant

HAVE YOU EVER :

78. Kissed a stranger: No – why would I want to do that? Does my filling out this questionaire spell DESPARATE?

80. Lost glasses/contacts: Many times :-/

81. Sex on first date: No

82. Broken someone's heart: I don’t think I can answer this question – ask the people at the receiving end – prolly yes

83. Had your own heart broken: To bits baby – so many pieces its almost powder

84. Been arrested: Nope – not yet atleast...but the time will come quite soon im sure

86. Turned someone down: Yea – lots of lame ass fraansippers

87. Cried when someone died: No

88. Liked a friend that is a girl? Define LIKE – if it has no sexual conotations then yes ofcourse

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

89. Yourself: Yea sometimes – not always

90. Miracles: Nope

91. Love at first sight: Nothing of that nature exists – its lust at first sight

92. Heaven: Nope

93. Santa Clause: Nope – I knew it was my parents doing even when I was little – but I liked to humour them

95. Kiss on the first date? Nope – that’s highly inapropriate

96. Angels: Nope – even though I did enjoy city of angels

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:

97. Is there one person you want to be with right now? Yea too bad the feeling isnt mutual

98. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time? Nope

100. Posting this as 100 Truths? Yea with an added tagline also

Ok I seriously doubt those were 100 questions because the numbering seemed a lil dodgy in the middle – as if it makes a world of a difference…this is what happens when your brain fizzles out like a soda pop and you have nothing constructive to do/no ideas strike your empty shell/etc etc – the elitists call it a writers block – I just like to say I’m mind fucked.

In Conversation...With Myself

* phone rings*
Man: Hello

Me: Hey! Hiiii…Whats upppppp? Long time no talk!

Man: Nothing much you tell me…

Me: Man you know today was such a pathetic day in college (pause)

Man: Why? What happened?

Me: You won’t believe what the “bhenji gang” did today man. Such b*tches! They got me into shit with Gaylord! Remember I told you about that stupid FRP that we had to make as a group assignment?

Man: * wondering who the bhenji gang is/who Gaylord is/what FRP stands for * umm yea what happened?

Me: Well I made the whole freaking ass myself and they walked away with all the credit and they had the balls to tell Gaylord that I didn’t work as a group. Then he called me and gave me this moral lecture about how I need to learn how to adjust to group dynamics and shit like that. I mean this is ridiculous! Just cuz’ I don’t go lick his ass crevice he thinks he has the guts to say that to me!

Man: * sickened by the visual depict of me licking someone’s ass crevice * man that’s bad. Phir? (What happened next)

Me: Well I gave it back to him – in a very decent way ofcourse - but I made sure he realised that I was not at fault. He thinks I’m anti social and what not. These bitches aren’t friends man…I don’t have any friends, college is so miserable; I have such a sad life. Khair (Anyways) you tell me, how’s college?

Man: Good. Nothing much

Me: Hmm…so when’s your result coming? Man I’m so freaking scared – my mid term exams start from next week and I haven’t even started studying anything. I hardly pay any attention in class. I’m pretty sure I’m going to flunk Macro and CF 2 and CB. Pakka!

Man: * wondering what cf / cb stand for * Arre don’t worry, you’ll do well, I know you’re smart.

Me: Man you have no clue this time I’ll flunk for sure – you know during the Macro class our classroom turns into Heathrow Airport! So many paper plane flights take off/land/crash on the teachers head…and all I do is make inflight announcements in both Hindi and English! * giggles * That Parveen Babbi woman is such a loser – worse than Gaylord – she’s like totally traumatised by our class – leaves in tears every other day. Ooooh I totally forgot to tell you! I saw Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi four times already! First I went with Mallu, then I saw it with my college friends, the next time I went with mom and finally with cousins. Isn’t that so cool?

Man: Ya, you should get an award for single handedly trying to make SRK movies a hit. I haven’t seen it yet.

Me: Whaaaaat! You haven’t seen it yet? Man you have to you have to! How can you miss such an awesome movie? You men should really learn something from Suri Ji. God he’s sucha cutie…* sighs *…I love Shahrukh (dreamy pause)

Man: Umm…ok listen I’ll call you later at night ok?

Me: Nooo! You always say that but you never call! Then I wait and wait and wait and wait! You and your counter strike! Its always counter strike! It’s just not fair! Hmmph! Hey did you watch the ManU game the other night? We totally crushed Derby County!

Man: Nope I didn’t, what was the score?

Me: We killed them 4-1; Nani, my baby Ronaldo, Gibson and Welbeck all scored…Derby just got lucky once...It was a sure shot win. Anyways when are you having holidays man? Anytime soon? And your exams? Say something you hardly ever talk! Plus you’ve called after soooo many days and you’re not even saying anything! Hadh hai (That’s the limit)

Man: * wondering why he missed that split second chance to say a few words * umm its ok…Hey listen I’ll call you later ok? Bye * cuts phone *
(Breathes a sigh of relief)
===============================================================
And then people say I TALK ALOT! Seriously...!

Anonymously Yours...!

I don’t think I am a sore loser – but there are times when I really fume when I am put down by people (primarily because those people have tried to act extra smart and have woven a fallaciaous web around the facts to make me look like a fool). The sole purpose of my writing a blog was mainly to vent my frustration over various issues that I felt were worth writing about – sometimes my posts get a little to drab and predictable I admit but that’s just how I am and that’s just how I write. If you don’t like what I’ve written then don’t read it. I can’t stand people posting anonymously and making random (often hurtful) remarks about my character/personality/preference etc. I find such people gutless losers who are too scared to face the consequences of putting me down. So they take refuge in the very nice anonymous option that’s been provided to them by blogger. I would request such people to please grow a spinal chord before they set out to reform what seems to be the only delinquent on planet earth (i.e. me). 

Now you may ask why I haven’t turned that anonymous posting option off already. Well the reason is that I enjoy having such “friendly” banter with the kings/queens of Loserville. I thoroughly enjoy giving them large pieces of my mind (worry not theres enough to go around). It humors me to read how opinionated these anonymous entities can be – all the while calling me an opinionated b*tch. They give me reason to feel sorry for a small part of the human race which comprises of such people who quite frankly don’t have much of a life. Of late I have been very bitter about things in my life – this has caught the fancy of many anonymous experts. My persona has been laid bare on the dissection table and I dare say – the autopsy reports have been far from pleasant. 

My only questions to my anonymous “friends” are – WHY DO YOU CARE SO MUCH? 
If I think Britney Spears was once a man or if Bush should shove a nuke up his a*s – How does it affect you? What difference will it make in your lives if I am a born pessimist who has a jaundiced view of the world? If you think my writing is trashy – why do you bother reading it? What makes you think I am the least bit interested in your opinion about me? Do you honestly believe that your criticism is going to change me? Are you not aware of the fact that you need to think before you put things down in writing? Are you even capable of thinking? Do you have anything between your ears (ref to the human brain)? I’d like to hear honest anonymous answers…

Moving on – I haven’t written this to discourage Anonymous posts but infact it should be seen as an encouragement…most people write good stuff about my posts (not that it’s a bad thing) so seeing such attacks on my personality is a welcome (albeit slightly disturbing) change. I simply wish the quality of the bashing improves – currently I find most of the anonymous comments quite brainless. They seem to be a lame attempt at putting me down – sadly they haven’t had much effect – I honestly couldn’t care less. Anyways got things to do…till next time…cheerio!

30 Things I'd Like To Be

1. Bartender – cuz once upon a time I went to “Dublin” for a party and saw a lady (India’s only professional female bartender) manning (wo-manning?) the bar – twas really inspiring

2. Flight Attendant – I love the food they serve in airlines (yea yea the crappy plastic taste – its not too bad hey), I’d love to hear my voice making announcements about cabin pressure and things to do incase of an emergency!

3. Fashion Designer – I really want to showcase clothes on the ramp that real people are wearing – these days people pass off hangers as models!

4. Carpenter – I have watched enough Monster House and While You Were Out to want to do this really bad

5. Radio Jockey – after winning an RJ Hunt in my college fest I am very inspired…plus I think I’d sound great on radio :) *smug*

6. Professional Tennis Player – had always wanted to become this but since my folks never regarded sports as a “suitable career option” I couldn’t pursue this seriously

7. Professional Gymnast – oh how fighting fit and flexible they are *dreams*

8. Coroner – people who are already dead cant possible die again can they? So this job is like totally safe – you can never get fired for killing someone :)

9. Forensic Anthropologist – blame it on “Bones” (the TV series)

10. Detective – I have a totally twisted criminal brain and that would help me delve into the psyche of other criminals and help solve crimes

11. Farmer – how cool it must be to live on a farm, ride horses for pleasure, graze sheep in the meadows, watch little piglets running around in mud...sigh (this is probably my retirement dream)

12. Dog Walker – It’s a new concept in India where people get their domestic helps to walk their dogs but people abroad do this for a living – plus I just love dogs

13. Fortune Cookie Writer – now again the concept of fortune cookies hasn’t really caught on in India but hey if “the guy who reads your fortune…” on Orkut can do it – so can I!

14. Bounty Hunter – again I’ve never heard of an Indian bounty hunter but they do exist abroad (atleast on tv they do) and they’re always men – wouldn’t it be uber cool to become one! You wear sexy clothes, ride awesome bikes, and wield lethal weapons – the works.

15. Jewellery/Shoe Designer – I think I have enough ideas to restock most fashionistas wardrobes.

16. Chocolatier – dunno what a person who makes chocolates is called – I am guessing that’s what its called – I love chocolate and I figured my love would translate into a fruitful venture

17. Artist – the kind that paints not the kind that sings – its just something I enjoy so much I can do it forever and ever

18. Waitress – Inspired once again by Rachel in Friends – I think its quite sexy wearing a tiny black dress with an apron serving wrong orders to people * tee hee hee *

19. Baker – I LOVE THE SMELL OF BREAD – I could live in a bakery if I ever had the chance – the smell of freshly baked bread makes me wana drooooool

20. Toy Maker – Santa has his elves – and then theres me :)

21. Casket Maker – call it fetish or obsession but I have a thing for coffins – dead people deserve to be sent 6ft under in a pretty case :)

22. Cheer Leader – None of that Knights and Angels crap for me – I’d like to go pro and maybe cheer for the Lakers or something

23. Manicurist – I have this crazy knack for nail art which is fast growing into an obsession so why not – people pay big money to have pretty nails

24. Bomb Disposal Expert – it’s the coolest profession every – you never know when you’ll explode into a thousand little pieces

25. Archaeologist – old things hidden under piles n piles of dirt – who wouldn’t wana do that

26. Cartoonist/Animator – I love drawing cartoons – what fun bringing them to life

27. Stand Up Comedian – my friends think I’m funny – I could probably be India’s answer to Russel Peters :)

28. Card Dealer – I just love the ambience of casinos – too bad gambling isn’t legal in India – I love the “ka-ching” and all the bling bling – I wouldn’t mind manning the Roulette table either

29. Architect/Interior Decorator – most peoples houses (including mine) are far from decorated – I’d love to rake up the clutter and tastefully design people’s homes so that they are both nice to look at and convenient to live in!

30. Librarian – as geeky as it sounds – where else can you sit and read so many books???

If you know of any openings do let me know :P

p.s this list is not exhaustive - I may add more fantasy dream jobs

Humanity? LMAO

I have turned into a sour grape of late – nothing seems to please my critical eye…fault finding has become my favorite pass time – something I require little or no effort to do…I wasn’t always this way – my world was jaundiced by the fact that I believed in the essential goodness of mankind – everyone is good, circumstances make them act in bad ways. All that has gone now – some of you might say I have “matured” but I assure you when it comes to being juvenile I still take the cake. Maturity hasn’t got much to do with it – I’d say I’m like the cat who sat on the stove and burnt her bum – then thought twice before sitting on it again…things happen, people change, we grow older – all a part of life I hear you say? Hell no! This is more like the start of life. One thing that never stops amusing me is how many facets a human being can have – we can put any chameleon to shame by the way we “adapt” to different “situations”. Then comes our stubbornness – whoever thought mules were stubborn needs to investigate the psyche of a human being, and then think twice before being so judgmental about the ass (no pun intended).

I feel like I am turning into a misanthrope with each passing day – the more people I come across the more I begin to hate our race. I am not prejudiced against any gender – I hate all equally. Men think the world belongs to them just because they have stuff hanging between their legs. They think they have the right to walk in and trod on anyone (females to be more precise) and get away with it. Most decisions taken by them are governed by what-lies-between-the-legs rather than that-which-is-NOT-present-between-the-ears...but before people start screaming “FEMINIST – RUNNNN”, I’d like to look at the other side of the coin. Women aren’t all that holier than thou either – with a few exceptions as exceptions are always there – women bitch about women – even those who they claim are their bff’s/sisters/whatever else they are called. They don’t think twice before stabbing a loved one in the back with a pick made of ice so as not to leave any marks behind – they are born conniving b*tches if I may say so myself. Tears are their most lethal weapon of assault against “vulnerable men” (pun intended) and “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”.

Gone are the days of Sita/Rama or Mary/Joseph…we’re living in Lucifers lair. Pretentiousness, vile and evil are things people don’t need to learn – they are in built. One never knows who to trust because quite frankly everyone has an ulterior motive and once their job is done they move on and your existence is reduced to dust – not worth the memory space. Such things just diminish any respect I had for humanity…can we truly claim superiority above animals? Quite honestly I don’t think so. We aren’t even worth being on the same level as animals I feel. Again this is a personal opinion but I am sure I have opened a Pandora’s Box. People are going to retort and try very hard to restore my faith in humanity by posing various arguments/philosophies/points of view but at that point in time – they would know as well as I do already – that even they have an ulterior motive for doing so ;)

In Shock And Awe...of Myself

I haven’t posted any pearls of wisdom of late – infact I cheated by posting really old things I dug up from a really old source – but I dare say – I’m impressed…so much so that I want to run around waving my hands in the air screaming “I HAVE A FOLLOWER” at the top of my voice! It was quite a surprise logging in after so long and seeing a certain difference in my blogger front page …One Follower it said! WOW WOW WOW…this is better than Rahman winning an Oscar (which by the way I thought was highly over rated – shall blog about it later though)…Its shocking to see albeit a lil weird – the thought – that someone would actually want to be updated about the crap my 2x2 sq ft factory churns out at such an irregular basis (I’m assuming that’s how big my brain is – now will someone tell me how big a foot is?!?!)

Anywho’s I shall continue basking in the glory of my one follower – Dory the Fish – waaaay into the night (all hail technology – fishes have started blogging too – how cool is that!!! Ok that was a really bad joke but spare a thought for my current state of lunacy attributed to this honour)…inturn I’d like to honour Dory by giving him my special Pat on the Back Award of Excellence in Taste for Retardedness…I shall try not disappointing you – the next thing you know the lone follower runs the other way – also I hope that by following my blog you actually meant to follow it and it wasn’t some freak accident which occurred while you were trying to click send [because the send button just so happened to be right next to the follow button?!?!?]…if that’s what happened blame it on your Parkinsons stricken mouse and do nothing more (you can curse the mouse too if you like)…anyways I think I’m losing it – I shall go dig into a celebratory slice of umm chapatti now :-/ watch this space for more whacked out posts guaranteed to make you loose the few marbles you’ve treasured since you were 5!

P.s Dory I really liked your posts - I wanted to leave a comment but I wasn't able to...also I can't find the "Follow" button...It isnt next to the "send" button (quite a revelation that)  :-O

Never Trust an Emoticon

My dad would often warn me – “Never trust people you meet online”…infact he was of the school of thought that anything that happens online is the seed of evil – and post a few “experiences” I have started agreeing with him more than I previously did. Thus the post – Never Trust an Emoticon. I’m sure we are all aware of what emoticons are – those smiley thingies that appear when you use a combination of various punctuation marks…People online are fake – that is something I can vouch for. Gone are the days when I was a scrawny, oily haired 13 year old posing to be blonde hair blue eyes…I have learnt bigger lessons in life from my various online associations. The virtual world is full of posers – or maybe that’s how I’ve come to perceive them after several bad experiences. I blame it on the fact that you can’t express emotions through yellow face like smiley thingies – because you only have that many punctuation marks leading to that many emotions. Ask yourself – how many times have you used LOL, LMAO, :)) etc even when you are sitting across the computer sulking – the person on the other end rightfully assumes that you are consumed with fits of laughter because of some lame joke they cracked. 

All this said and done – there are still those people who spend a majority of their waking hours online, chatting with people they have never met/people who probably don’t even exist as they have described themselves/people who you fondly refer to as “friends”…such people are branded geeks/dorks/dweebs/losers etc by other “cool” people but they exist – I know because at one point in my life I was one of them. I found it cool to make friends all across the globe…so much so that I even had a relationship online (how cool is that!) – But I’d rather not talk about that in this context. Back to my net buddies/virtual friends – some people are in it for the pleasure and are quite explicit about that…e.g. the minute you enter a chat room and exchange asl’s (for the uninitiated asl = age/sex/location) you are immediately asked your bra size (if s = f) or the dimensions of your family jewel (if s = m). Such people are perves in my eyes but to each his own – who am I to judge. Then there are those who come online – grab your attention by sounding intelligent (maybe they are maybe they aren’t) and then begin endless conversations – that lead to nowhere but they make you think otherwise. Such people are the deadly lot…they say things they don’t mean, but always sugar coat it with the fact that they don’t want to lead you on – constantly reminding you how they are “different”. The things they say make you start developing a sort of connection with them – one that leads to heartache inevitably in most cases. 

So you talk, they respond – they talk, you respond…the cycle continues till a point where talking to them becomes the highlight of your day - a lot of times they are leading sad miserable lives and despite all that are more than willing to help you solve your petty issues *angels from heaven*…things are said…feelings shared –albeit with all caution- and you are done for…and once you’re in the thick of things the axe gets dropped…like all men – the chase is better than the catch…excuses are made – distance is created – as the best friend/lover/bff vanishes into the horizon…and then you’re left alone thinking WHAT WENT WRONG? They may/may not surface after a huge sabbatical but the interaction will be cold – stone cold or colder…the cordial hello – the oh so polite how are you – the “oh hey there stranger” kind of treatment…and then it will register in your dimly lit brain – this was all a farse! Emoticons are not to be trusted! Why didn’t you think before you acted? Why didn’t you take heed of the people around you who constantly reminded you that what happens in the virtual world stays in the virtual world…you are broken – the person on the other end doesn’t see why – it doesn’t really matter – how difficult would it be for them to wipe off their very existence from the virtual world?

P.s this post was written with no intension of hurting anyone or with any particular person in mind - if you see yourself in this post then hard luck - it cant be helped

Can You Fool Karma?

This question arose directly out of discussions I had with my friend about the nature of karma. His take is that you can't escape karma so accept it and try to accumulate good karma. In other words, do good and good things will happen to you. On the contrary, I've always felt that's too simplistic an idea and karma is definitely subtler than that. Since the topic was vague enough to be pondered upon, I decided to devote some time writing about it.

In broad terms, karma can be defined as: every action has an equal reaction, perhaps not necessarily opposite. Or, any action you take will generate its own associated karma. However, good and bad are at best pretty subjective concepts. They depend largely upon context. Change the context, and the good karma that you were happily accumulating, might just turn into something else. Which is where the subtlety of karma kicks in. Every action will have a reaction, and it will find its way back to you. It doesn't have to be black-or-white good and bad. It'll usually be a grey mixture of both, just like any action you take.

While pondering over this, I was struck by a sudden idea : what if you could figure out how to outwit karma? What if you managed to figure out what actions to take to get a certain result? Wouldn't that actually be a simplified form of karma at work? People do it all the time without consciously thinking about it as such. Want good grades? Study harder. Simple karma at work.Except that there are no guarantees in life. The consequences of your actions might be completely different from what you expected. Probably because trying to base your actions on their possible karmic outcome is like trying to play chess against...say, God? No matter how far ahead you calculate, you can never be sure of the outcome, which, annoyingly enough, karma has already calculated. Karma is subtle, and it'll always win. You might calculate for 5 years ahead and then find that 10 years in the future karma outwits you. Or that you lost 5 years running after something you never really wanted at the end of it.What if you spend all your time calculating future outcomes in an effort to beat karma. Through inaction, you would try to accumulate as little karma as possible by acting as little as possible and only when you're pretty sure of the outcome. Well, karma wins again. You wouldn't have much of a life right? Karma at work again, no matter how subtly, simply because even inaction would come with its own karma…

My Bitch Kept Me Up All Night

Now now before you all start to question my sexuality and frame of mind for posting such a “controversial” story I’d like to lay emphasis on the fact that the title is misleading. By bitch I was NOT referring to:
A woman who:
-Will have sex with everybody, but you.
-Won't do what (you in your feeble mind) want her to.
-You work for, that tells you what to do, and you don't like it.
-A successful woman.
-A down right drama queen that makes yours, and everyone’s lives around her miserable.
-A control freak that always thinks she is right, and constantly corrects everyone.
-Is on the receiving end of any sexual activity (applicable to males too)
-Is Beautiful, Intelligent and Causes Hard-ons ;)
-Cries and throws a fit about something that’s so irrelevant that noone gives a sh*t about it (including her).
By now I’m sure you all have a rough idea of the bitch that I was NOT referring to…so I can continue without digressing…a month ago I adopted a lil pup, and incase you haven’t caught up yet – it’s a female…she’s a bitch (for real). Now this ingenious idea was conceived and executed by Malika (my bestest best friend forever)…she has a knack for coming up with these crazy plans in the nick of time and making my day (she got us an elephant ride on my birthday – just so you get an idea about the elevated levels of insanity that we both share)…anyways back to the crux of the story – my bitch (ha ha I love the way that sounds) is the most adorable thing ever! I think she is the best looking dog I have ever come across (even though she’s a cross bred mongrel); she’s smart, she’s furry, she’s irresistible…and she keeps me up all night. Little did I know, bringing a puppy home is almost equivalent to becoming a first time mom (with much less pain, sans the post partum depression). The first step was convincing my folks to let me keep the lil furball (who we – Malika n I - dubbed Lexie Lottery – yes, she has a first and a last name). My dad isn’t into animals and well hell broke loose when I showed up at the door with a puppy in my arms. Since I had prepared for the worst – I managed to convince my folks to let me keep her – I figured they would fall in love with her eventually (I was sooo right).

Once the “honeymoon period” was over reality dawned – puppies are broken pooping, peeing, chewing and barking records that play on loop! There’s no time, no place or control of their bodily functions. Hell they don’t even care if the carpet they just “did their stuff on” was a relic that belonged to the Prince of Persia! Play-Eat-Sleep-Poop-Pee…that was all she did all day long…all night long…! Owing to the fact that I had brought her home I was entrusted the responsibility of wiping the pee, scooping the poop and cleaning up the mess made by the tsunami (Should have named her that!). It was tolerable for a few days till she adjusted to her new environment…but thereafter the house was her oyster and boy did she know how to wreck it! Like a human baby she’d make strange noises after pooping/peeing – probably calling the janitor (ie me) to come and pick up the dump as she stood examining what came out with great enthusiasm. For all those people who’ve never had pets before and are thinking of adopting – just remember – its not pleasant waking up at 2am/3am/4am to clean sh*t! Those who have pets can take a moment to empathise with me…

The point of this post was not to crib about my little one (because I love her too much to be deterred by such frivolity) but to ponder about myself (how selfish am I!)…Malika and I are binary opposites when it comes to children – I HATE THEM…she dotes on them – she loves kids – size/shape/colour/etc simply don’t matter…and I feel that it’s a mutual thing – kids love her too. I wish I could say the same about myself…I get irritated in their presence – and the feeling is once again very mutual – I’ve never met a kid who doesn’t start crying after seeing my face! *seriously*
So when Malika saw how I catered to all of Lexie’s whims n fancies she pointed out that I would make a great parent and that somehow my behaviour proves that I like kids! Ewww! The mere thought is creepy…but that makes me wonder – if I can mother a little puppy the way I do – would I be the same with a baby? (HELL NO!)...???

Who can resist falling for this cutie pie...

Self Worth - Or Lack of It

Since it’s a new year and everyone is busy with some sort of retrospection, I decided to take a look back at my life so far…now before I begin I’d like to thank Shenthol better known as Another Blogger for “inspiring” this post. I’m otherwise not the kind of person who likes to look back and reminisce, but somehow I could relate to her post titled “Self Worth” (which explains why I sort of got “inspired” by the title too).

Right so let’s head back to life as it was 10 years ago (yeah I decided to go waaaaay back into time…back when the dinosaurs were still around)…life back then was different to say the least (primarily because I spent my formative years in Africa). I was considered the biggest geek to have ever hit planet earth (primarily because I wasn’t like the other “pseudo intellectual” ladies who cared more about their cup size than their term paper grades). I didn’t mind being a geek because quite frankly I never really felt the need to “have a life” or to do things, which the other “normal kids” were doing at that time (but that doesn’t mean I didn’t know how to have fun). I prided myself in being an above average student – I can still recall my Grade 3 final assembly where two of my good friends (Nancy and Banyana) got prizes for coming first and second in class. I came home and asked my mom why I never got a prize and she told me that you only got prizes if you came first/second...not third. After that day I made it a point to excel in my academic prowess. I made my parents proud, and like every proud Indian parent they saw a doctor in the making. I would have preferred to become a fashion designer but I knew (because I had been made to believe) that such a profession wasn’t meant for “smart people”, so even I backed my parents belief and began to see myself strutting down brightly lit corridors in a white coat giving instructions on how to save a life…

Cut back 5.5years ago when I left Africa to come back to the homeland (once again in pursuit of "my dream" of becoming a doctor). It was post my O’Levels and I had once again done my parents proud by getting a near perfect grade in all 9 subjects. I was confident and sure of myself (atleast as far as academics were concerned)…I didn’t pride myself in having extra-ordinary “people” skills but I assumed that they weren’t really required considering how I was on a mission (little did I know that it would turn out to be mission impossible). I had to get enrolled in school again (even though technically I had completed 12years of education – but since I was so “smart” I had managed to complete 12years of education in 9years flat! Hurray for me!) because according to the Indian Education System an O’Level wasn’t regarded as 12th Standard but the University recognised it and would grant me admission for an honours course…but I didn’t want that – I was going to sit for my entrances and become a doctor so I decided to get enrolled in grade 11 instead…and that’s when my life’s graph took a plunge...

I spent the most miserable two years of my entire life in Ryan International School. Once the whole “she’s just a South African bitch” phase was over I began my struggle to cope with my “friends”. I noticed how the class was divided into over-achievers and under-achievers, with nothing in between. Without say, I fell into the under-achiever’s category because I couldn’t cope with the alien education system. But I didn’t give up…not until after 12th atleast. The “smart kids” shunned me because:
My command over Hindi was as good as my ability to sword fight (I became the butt of many jokes – most of which I didn’t understand because they were in a foreign language)
I showed no signs of intelligence because I couldn’t cram formulas or do mental calculations at the speed of light.
I had no interest in watching saas-bahu serials for pleasure
Homework was NOT my life
I didn’t tie a plait and oil my hair till it dripped off my side burns
My face looked bitchy (I was actually told this once…I would beg to differ)
I didn’t get a perfect score in every exam, unit test, pop quiz
The teachers hated me because I was an alien

The “not-so-smart/popular kids” snubbed me because:
I wasn’t exactly a party animal
I didn’t enjoy belittling the smart kids
I wasn’t stinking rich with tonnes of money to burn
I didn’t drink and smoke (as strange as this seems – before coming to India I drank only if the occasion called for it…and I didn’t smoke)
I didn’t have a boyfriend
I had taken biology with mathematics
I didn’t fancy the idea of bunking school (because I was scared what my parents would think if they found out)
My life’s sole purpose wasn’t to get a French Manicure done

So I invariably joined the outcasts – a group of 5 girls who were like me – they were the “in betweens” so to speak. With them I learnt how to be careless about my studies, how to cheat in exams (even though I’d never really have the guts to take out that little chit stuck in my shoe – but I’d still keep it there just incase). My brain cells didn’t deteriorate – I just accepted being a loser. I tasted failure for the first time in that school. That gave me a reality check – this wasn’t Africa, I wasn’t so smart afterall. I began to study (albeit on the sly so as not to be called a nerd by my “friends”) as best as I knew how, with the hope that my efforts will pay off. They didn’t. Not the second time or the third time or any time after that. I hate to say it but after so many failures I accepted the fact that I was no good. It became ok for me to get average/below average grades. My focus shifted from trying to come first to trying to pass in the exams.

Then came the giant turn – the turn that decided which road I took. Now I had two avenues infront of me – one lead to medicine (which was the obvious first choice) and the other lead to engineering (since I was doing maths it would do no harm to try it out)…a few entrance exams later I discovered that the medicine/engineering paths had been blocked because I had failed to clear any of the entrances. The only paths open were architecture or a simple honours course. I saw my parents’ dreams shatter before their very eyes. I saw the pain they felt when they realised that their prodigy had turned into a lump of coal. The architecture option closed because the only seat I was getting was in some town down south whose name I could neither spell nor pronounce (it started with T and was long enough to qualify to be a sentence). So the only thing left for me to do to save my face was to find a good college and to graduate with flying colours. But those dreams were shattered when my CBSE results came – a 75% was not going to get me anywhere. So the next plan was to opt for a good course in any college; and that’s how English Honours chose me. The college I went to was shady, most people didn’t even know of its existence – thus began another 3years of compromise. I tried to make the most of college by not attending any class, getting drunk every other day and enjoying life by doing all things “forbidden”. The prodigy in me had been buried alive and what remained was a strung out confused soul who was brain dead from all that substance abuse.

My parents, being the typical Indian parents that they are, didn’t give up hope as quickly as I did. They planned for my grand post graduation from one of the IIM’s. Little did they know that from that point onwards nothing they ever dreamed about was ever going to come true…because I had given up…I had accepted the fact that I was good for nothing…studying for me had become a futile exercise that lead to failure. I don’t blame the education system (even though it had a huge part to play in my demise) because I could have adjusted (but it was a little difficult seeing how I had spent 15.5years outside the motherland). Instead of adjusting I thought, “Fuck it, I’m going to party!” My attitude towards books got me a beautiful 79.80 percentile in CAT, which wasn’t even good enough to get me enrolled into “Sunshine Business School” let alone IIM-A. After this debacle my parents stopped dreaming – probably because it hurt too much to watch dreams shatter.

Now here I am, in a crappy business school cum prison where they lock the college gates to keep students from running away whenever there is a seminar. I have no faith in myself/my capabilities. I can’t remember the last time I did something that I was truly proud of. I am so full of self-loathing and worthlessness that I have stopped seeing the purpose of my existence. The word “hope” has been deleted from my dictionary of words because it means nothing. Hope is merely a way in which we human beings fool ourselves/try to fool ourselves into believing that next time – shit won’t happen, knowing fully well that it will. Hope blindfolds us and helps us overlook reality. But here’s the thing – life is merciless and doesn’t flinch in sending regular “reality cheques”. Hope simply stops us from cashing those cheques! My life hasn’t been anything worth writing about and look how much I’ve managed to write! I don’t know what’s keeping me going – it most certainly is NOT hope.

Wake Up!

This entry is "work in progress"...started writing it because i was bored...couldn't complete it because i got bored...sigh

Every other person who lives in India seems to have an opinion about the 26/11 blasts…most of which have targeted Muslim’s/Pakistani’s/Jehadi’s/Extremists etc. Our nation (especially Delhiites) has cried itself hoarse in protest against the violence, the unruffled attitude of the police, Ram Gopal Varma’s visit to “inspect” the damages to the Taj Hotel…and the list could go on forever. So it became a moral obligation for me to write something to show my “support” to my fellow Indians. So here’s the deal - for those of you who live in caves and aren’t in tune with what’s been happening in Mumbai – Terrorists came into our country, slapped the Indian Government, gave the minister’s wedgies and ran away cracking lewd jokes about their tacky choice in underwear…and then the nation was up in arms in protest! Kudos to us!

Have you ever wondered why any of the “proud” Indians have never tried to intercept such “problems” before they blow up in our face? It’s very easy to point fingers at Muslims/Extremists/the Police force/the neighbours dog but why is it that the nation needs a 23/11 to wake up and show solidarity? We claim to be a secular nation, equality for all religions and bla bla bla…how much of that actually holds in reality? Maybe a “bhaiya” from Mumbai would be able to answer that question more objectively. The point is – Indians don’t care about their own country. We are a land of selfish, self-obsessed, self-indulging people who don’t really give a flying rats ass about what’s going on around them until ofcourse the blast rocks their own foundation. And then starts the blame game that ends in some minority being singled out and held responsible for the great calamity.
Now before anyone assumes I am pro-terrorism and starts taking my case apart, I’d like to make one thing very clear about this article – its random, and it was the “in” thing to do in the given situation…and no, I am not a terrorist, nor am I affiliated to any extremist organisation promoting a holy war. The main crux of this article is to pose a few questions that you have probably thought of at some point in time but dismissed quite quickly…why is it that ALL terrorists are Muslim? Or Pakistani’s? Why isn’t there ever a 9/11 or 23/11 in Pakistan? Is it because all terrorists live there and it just wouldn’t be right to bomb their own back yards? Well to some extent this might be true – looking at it from a majority point of view but I personally beg to differ. The main reason behind this “phenomenon” is that people over there are united – they don’t need a calamity to unite them. One may argue that the Shia’s and Sunni’s don’t exactly share a very healthy relationship with each other but put them in a conditioning camp to fight for Islam/Pakistan and watch how they come together…can the same be said about our country? On the face of it everyone would want to agree because afterall this is now a matter of saving face infront of terrorist but the truth begs to differ…even though Muslims have united for a very unjustified cause – the fact remains that they are united – and I think we Indians have a lot to learn from our terrorist neighbours