Our Ego Will Destroy Us

You never raised your voice,

you didn’t have to.
You bent the air instead,
twisted words until they fit your reflection,
until I no longer trusted my own memory

of what was said,
what was done, what was real.

You wore perfection like armor,
polished daily, never scratched…
at least not where anyone could see.
And I stood there,
holding every fracture you denied,
trying to glue together a truth
you insisted never broke.

You had to be right.
Always.
Even when right meant
rewriting me.

I shrank in your certainty,
in your quiet corrections,
in the way you'd tilt your head
like confusion lived only in me.

You made doubt feel like a disease
I carried alone.

And still,
I stayed longer than I should have,
waiting for the moment
you’d choose honesty over pride,
me over your reflection.

But ego is a jealous god.
It doesn’t share.

So one day
I chose silence

not the kind you gave me,
heavy and suffocating
but the kind that frees.

I blocked you
with trembling hands
that felt more like wings
than fear.

I thought you would come knocking
like before

find a way through the cracks,
call, insist, return
as if leaving was impossible.

But this time,
you didn’t.
And somehow
that hurt differently.

Not because I wanted you back,
but because it proved
what I had started to fear
that I was never the exception,
just another reflection
you could live without.

Still,
I breathe easier now.
Because love shouldn’t feel like
a courtroom,
and I was tired
of always being in a trial.

Our ego will destroy us

yours almost destroyed me.
But mine,
finally,
saved me.

The Law of Expectations

Whether acknowledged or not, expectations are ingrained in our lives, shaping our interactions with ourselves, work, family, and even our pets. As Shakespeare astutely noted, it's the existence of these expectations that often leads to heartache. It's a relentless cycle with countless variables, yet it invariably culminates in disappointment.

Life is the ultimate Catch-22, a paradoxical conundrum that encapsulates our existence. As depicted in the chart, even when our expectations are met initially, they tend to escalate, surpassing the realm of attainability and culminating in disappointment. To claim exemption from expectations is to imply a state akin to that of a single-celled microorganism, devoid of consciousness. No living being, with hand to heart, can deny harboring expectations, save for the deceased.

Now, as for providing a remedy to counter this cyclic disillusionment, alas, none exists. We endure these perpetual disappointments by virtue of their varying magnitudes, ranging from profoundly devastating to inconsequential. Herein lie a few archetypal degrees of disappointment, each echoing a common refrain:

Case 1: Devastating Disappointment

Consider a girl's fervent anticipation of her long-time boyfriend's unwavering support and commitment, only to discover his absence in her moments of need. While she stood steadfastly by his side through thick and thin, he prioritized every facet of his life—career, family, friends, even the neighbor's dog—above her. This realization shatters her expectations, precipitating an existential crisis and eroding her trust in love and human connections. Despite her best efforts, a lingering shadow of distrust persists.

Case 2: Manageable Disappointment

Two inseparable friends, likened to modern-day Siamese twins, find solace and joy in their shared experiences. However, as one embarks on the journey of marriage and new beginnings, their bond begins to fray. The married friend's priorities shift, leaving her less inclined to spend time with her single companion. Moreover, her well-intentioned but misguided attempts to intervene in her friend's love life inadvertently strain their relationship, leading to a palpable sense of disappointment and distance.

Case 3: Mild Disappointment

An enthusiastic job applicant eagerly awaits the outcome of a promising interview, convinced of their qualifications and preparedness. However, upon receiving the rejection notice, they experience a twinge of disappointment. While momentarily disheartened, they swiftly recalibrate their expectations, recognizing the inherent unpredictability of the job market. Though the setback stings, it serves as a catalyst for resilience and renewed determination in their pursuit of professional fulfillment.

In essence, life's tapestry is woven with threads of expectation and disappointment, each strand contributing to the intricate mosaic of human experience. Yet, embracing a mindset of acceptance and detachment from specific outcomes can offer solace amidst life's fluctuations.

P.S. - Old post alert! This post was sitting in my drafts since 30/09/2016...trying to get back into writing as a means of distraction

Log Kya Kahenge ~ The "Judgement" Call

Case 1: "You can't step out like that! You're a married woman!" protested a senior citizen father to his newly divorced daughter as she prepared to leave the house in a pencil skirt and a conservative top. To her, this attire seemed perfectly appropriate for work, but in her father's eyes, it seemed scandalous, unfit even for a quick trip to the local grocer. "What will people say?" he fretted. The situation was already delicate with her residing in his house after her divorce, and her choice of clothing only added to the discomfort, perceived as inappropriate and scandalous.

Case 2: In another scenario, a father engaged in a heated discussion with a female relative about the "acceptable" time for a woman to return home from work. The relative staunchly declared that if her daughter-in-law returned after 8 pm, she'd compel her to quit her job. Astonishingly, this decree applied regardless of their work timings or locations. The societal judgment about when one should return home, rooted in the fear of 'what will people say,' overshadowed practicalities and individual circumstances.

Our society thrives on the fear of judgment, a constant pressure to conform or risk becoming an outcast. Although there's a notion of progressiveness, a significant portion remains bound by rigid norms. Matthew's speech on "Moral Fiber" in Girl Next Door resonates with the societal expectation to conform, emphasizing doing what's deemed right regardless of individual circumstances. Sadly, this moral fabric is often used to constrain rather than empower, woven by neighbors, relatives, and societal norms.

Judgment is ingrained in our nature—some express it boldly (like the minister linking noodles to youth tendencies of crime), while others resort to clandestine gossip. Passing judgment is a commonality, whether casual or with severe implications, often labeling individuals without merit. The fear of "what will people say" erects barriers, creating a vicious cycle of societal judgment and gossip.

The issue lies not within us but in the societal structure itself. Indians are conditioned to mind others' business more than their own. The "live and let live" ideology has given way to a culture where individuals are wary of being judged by their neighbors. This mentality isn't limited to older generations; peers and siblings perpetuate the judgment culture, amplifying societal expectations.

The concept of morality becomes skewed when others dictate it. What's morally acceptable should align with personal beliefs, not societal norms. Walking to the local dairy in a skirt at 7 am or visiting a pub post-work doesn't compromise morality. These actions are morally correct because they align with personal values, not societal judgment.

This writing serves as a plea for a more tolerant world. It's a conscious effort to refrain from judgment and urges others to do the same. It stands as a call to those burdened by judgment, encouraging them to disregard the opinions of societal "judges." Let's collectively turn a deaf ear to the gossip and live freely, embracing laughter, learning from mistakes, and relishing happiness while it lasts!

Bleed

What does one do when one reaches work and has absolutely no mood to do anything productive but have tonnes to do? Why they write a song ofcourse! Someone once told me that writing songs is like poetry...it needs to have structure...and flow from the heart - whether it makes sense or not is secondary. I stopped listening post poetry and figured hey lets give this a go...

Once lived a girl,
with a heart pure as gold,
Love was her essence,
stories untold.

In dreams, she soared high,
unaware where she stood...

She bled from her heart,
stains etched in her soul,
Bleeding for what was,
what's left in the bowl.

Her world, once a tale,
a Prince in her sleep,
Yet reality sneaked in,
promises grew steep.

She bled from her heart,
through the shattered chains,
Bleeding for her escape,
amidst life's strains.

The dream, a fragile glass,
shattered by fate's class,
Pierced her golden heart,
turned it to brass.

Never in her wildest dreams,
did she foresee...

Bleeding from her heart,
through life's storms and rains,
Bleeding to navigate
through the hurricane lanes.

Love's path, a winding road,
giving without return,
When love's one-sided,
a heart's pain to discern.

Never in her wildest dreams,
did she ever see...

Bleeding from her heart,
through life's joy and pains,
Bleeding for what was,
and what still remains.

Dilwale - The Review

I haven't written in ages now, those who know me must have expected this review - those who don't know me...know this...I LOVE SHAH RUKH KHAN!

So the much awaited SRK-Kajol starer released amidst great expectations because the power couple was returning after a gap of 5 years...but wait...it's a Rohit Shetty flick...errr...Yash ji are you seeing this! Rohit Shetty = Cars flying/exploding/drifting/doing super natural things + slapstick comedy/single screen humor + larger than life sets which more often than not look like sets (think Chennai Express)...SRK + Kajol = ROMANCE + Intensity + Fairytale Love...the two combined = Dilwale!

There's a dialogue in the movie which goes "Dil tho har kisi ke paas hota hai par sab dilwale nahi hote"...which is precisely what determines whether you will like...love...or hate the movie. The movie has received absolutely trash reviews from most places - I say the reviewers went into the moview not using their heart but their mind. The movie apparently borrows instances from Golmaal and Love Actually...I haven't seen Golmaal so I can't comment there but Love Actually is a beautiful movie...so honestly WHO CARES? Now lets begin the review...please read it from your heart <3 font="" nbsp="">

The Cast:

Shahrukh Khan - Kaali/Raj Randhir Bakshi/Ramlal - The Hero / Anti Hero and everything in between
Kajol - Meera Dev Malik/Pogo ji - The Hero / Anti Hero and everything in between
Varun Dhawan - Veer Randhir Bakshi - Shahrukh's (irritating) younger brother who thinks he's Vin Diesel from the F&F Franchise
Kriti Sanon - Ishita Dev Malik - Kajol's bimbo (irritating) younger sister
Some Fat Dude - Sidhu - Varun's BFF
Vinod Khanna - Don 1 - Randhir Bakshi - Bulgaria ka Don and doting dad of Varun and SRK
Kabir Bedi - Don 2 - Dev Malik - Bulgaria ka dusra Don and doting dad of Ishita and Meera
Johnny Lever - Money Bhai - the (irritating) South Indian petty thief
Some other Dude with a beard like Master Shifu from Kung Fu Panda - Oscar Bhai - he owns a stolen spare parts store and rhymes all his lines with brands (hillarious at times)
These Two Other Dudes (one of whom looks like Jackie Shroff's body double) -  the henchmen of SRK's papa who was a Don in Bulgaria ...yea baby it's not just Gujrati's that are spread in every corner of the world! They are predictably called Shakti and Anwar (and then people say we are an intolerant nation - take a cue from Don 1 on tolerance)
Boman Irani - King - a not-so-funny-cartoon like "drug lord" who drives around in a sunshine yellow vintage car
This random chick - Sidhu's money mooching girlfriend & Oscar Bhai's sister (she's another spare part)
Cars - lots and lots of big burly cars!

The Plot / The Story / The Spoilers :

The movie opens with a scene where SRK is getting shot *wtf*...but it's only a dream (phew!)...cut to the next scene where we are introduced to 'Raj Bhai'...Goa's very own Dilip Chabaria who owns a "garage" where muscle cars get modified! Goa is a very very colourful city (literally and figuratively) - the house and garage these guys own is painted in every shade of the rainbow - candy crush overload! We are then introduced to Veer-Vin-Diesel-Bakshi, Raj ka chota bhai, who loves his cars and his women...actually he loves his women more than the cars because he totals a very very sexy car in an attempt to help get a damsel in distress to the government office on time so that she can get her restaurant registration papers in on time...Much to the displeasure of his fat friend.

Big brother finds out about the busted car which had gone for an "innocent test drive" but can't really reprimand Veer because - he loves him to death and beyond! Veer falls "deeply in love" with the damsel he "rescued" and looks for ways to bump into her again and again - all the while over doing the over acting. Veer gets entangled with the drug peddling henchmen of King who beat him up bad...thus ruffling Raj's feathers - NO ONE MESSES WITH HIS KID BROTHER! Raj sniffs out the goons and beats them to a pulp while wearing a 'jaadu' like hoodie to hide his identity. When the puzzled goons enquire who dunnit he intensely mouths off..."bol dena Kaali aya tha" (wtf wasn't Kaali a chick name?!?!).

Flashback: cut to Bulgaria where two warring Don families are at each others throats for gold...enter Kaali - the adopted son of Don 1 who is a war machine who stops at nothing - except when he "bumps into" (literally) Kajol. His world stops...revolves...and then better sense prevails and out comes the golden gun, cars fly and he escapes with all the gold. Now a weakness for women runs in the family - SRK tracks down Kajol "the (con) artist" at her open exhibition and asks her to go on a date...a 5 minute date (yes yes it screams How I met your Mother - BIG DEAL). She tells him its her birthday the next day...and they must meet! But wait - Kaali has to take all the gold across the border the next day...aaargh what the hell...they must meet...and they do! The gold carrying convoy gets tracked down and cars explode - everyone is injured and lo and behold! A gun wielding Kajol is doing a "slow don walk" towards SRK - happy birthday to me! She spares his life because she finds him in a pitiful state - and it's her birthday - so she's going to take all the gold instead! Girls love their bling :)

Somehow better sense prevails in Kajol and she sees the good in SRK (she has to face a near death situation a'la Mission Impossible where she's dangling from a car and he saves her) - he truly loved her and it was only fair that she falls for him too! Thus the pursued becomes the pursuer and she decides to camp outside his house in hail and high water to prove her love. They decide to get their families to meet like typical Indian boys and girls, end their feud and make peace so the two can continue their budding romance! Don 2 (Kajol's daddy) - has other plans - he wants to use this "meeting" to further deepen the divide and he succeeds - it's another story that he dies in the process - both Don's end up shooting each other...Kaali swoops in and in an attempt to save his daddy, grabs the gun and points it at Don 2...just as Kajol makes her dramatic entry! WTF you're trying to kill my daddy! Damn you! Damn you to hell pretty boy! I will now go back to hating you if that's ok. #Betrayal_squared.

Derivations from Flashback: SRK and Kajol both have a "past" - Veer does not know about his brothers past - nor does he know that his brother isn't actually his brother...who is Ishita one wonders - doesn't take a genius to figure that she would somehow be connected to Kajol - sister maybe? Bingo!

Cut to Present: Ishita and Veer are totally in love and decide (like sanskari Indian children) that "bado ko milna chaiye" - now that we (the audience) know about the torrid past of the "senior folks" but these two love birds are absolutely oblivious - as are the senior folks. Hell breaketh loose when the twain meet - Kajol goes insane with fury when she finds out how twisted her kid sister's love web has become. She kicks a draper looking SRK out of her house and tells her kid sister she can ask for a damn unicorn but there is no way she's going to allow her to be with Veer.

Now Veer loves his brother and listens to just about anything he will say - he re-assures us about this by telling Ishita "Bhai k liye kuch bhi"...yes Varun we believe you! The two love birds are still curious why their older siblings hate each-other so much - who better to interrogate than the two henchmen errr "uncles" who have known Raj since forever! One of the two has to crack...and they do - what follows is an unbelievably insane account of Pogo ji and Ramlal's love story where Pogo ji dumps poor Ramlal because...he is poor! 

Lesson Learned : never try to make up a story while watching television and lifting things as they come by - the resultant story will make you cringe, however, if the person on the other side has the IQ of a stupid amoeba - they might just buy it...like Veer does!

Ishita and Veer set out on a quest to re-unite Pogo ji and Ramlal - their quest is heavily laced with ulterior motives to lay the cornerstones of their own union. Veer recruits Money Bhai to "scare" Meera and allow Raj to come to the rescue (this kid still think's it's the 80's where such lame tricks used to work...Bollywood in excess I'm thinking?). Meera was once a hard-core gun wielding Don Spawn...she whips out a baseball bat from the trunk of her PINK Volkswagen (I told you Goa was a colourful town) and whoops Money Bhai's ass. Moving on quickly to Plan B - Veer decides to tamper with the Pink Volkswagen (because it is assumed chicks can't fix cars)...This time his assumption is correct - Meera, stranded in the middle of nowhere...Raj happens to be at the right place at the right time...fixes the car...doesn't utter a word...she says thanks and it starts to rain...ooooh what a perfect setting for a perfect song ("Daayre" begins...Bollywood in super excess but who cares...SRK in the rain is a yummy sight!).
It takes more than fixing a car to melt the Iron Maiden's heart...Kings men arrive at her quaint little cafe and order her to stock up their drugs next to her breakfast rolls. She gets into a squabble and since Raj happened to be stalking her at that very moment - he jumps in and beats Kings men to a pulp...AGAIN. The frozen heart starts to melt oh so little...Afterall - who in their right mind can resist SRK with all his boyish charm *sigh*

One of the side plots kicks in and forms an integral part of the main plot - the fat friend decides he wants to marry his annoying girlfriend...King's vintage car gets stolen and gets a fresh coat of blinding GOLD paint - this will be the "shaadi ka gift". By now we can almost predict what's going to happen next - cut to "Mere yaar ki Christian wedding"...All is going well - Meera and Raj exchange these silent words of love...when trouble strikes. King and his men happen to be the religious sorts who just so happen to come to the church while the wedding is going on - they see the car - and King explodes into a comical rage that tickles your funny bone more than it scares you. The eternal case of whodunit starts and slowly the "culprit" needle begins pointing towards Veer. King's henchmen start to beat Veer to a pulp...Veer falls...Meera tends to him and simultaneously screams "Kaaliiiiiiiiiii". SRK slow walks into the frame and beats everyone up...Kaali style! Everything ends happily ever after...no wait...where did the Tukur Tukur song go...get your ass back on the seat - it's part of the closing credits *sigh*

My Verdict:

Now that you've more or less watched/read the movie through the eyes of a fan - you'd have also reached the conclusion that the movies story is nothing short of predictable. However, having been taught to see the good in everything here's my conclusion - the movie is beautiful, the director has attempted to mish-mash comedy with romance and action and everything else under the sun...which may be a bit much. The main story which should revolve around SRK and Kajol comes and goes and has more or less become a sub-plot rather than the main plot (Veer and Irritating Ishita get more screen time). The movie is NOT DDLJ nor was it ever meant to be - not every SRK-Kajol love story will live up to those epic proportions. Dilwale is a movie about love, and can only be enjoyed if you switch off your brain and switch on your heart. Don't find logic and reason in what's being shown, don't try to find structure in the story, don't try to make sense of anything that's happening - because all that ain't love! For the lover in you, and the eternally intense romance between SRK and Kajol - Dilwale must be watched!

Sunshine

As she sat alone in her tiny cell,
Enveloped by darkness and solitude,
Staring at the expanse of nothingness,
Peering through that lonesome window...

She waited each day for dawn to come,
And for the sunshine to stream in,
Rid the room of the shadows of her past,
Filling it with warmth for her to bask...

The sun shone each day, but was followed by dark,
She set her clock the same,
Every morn was full of delight,
Each night full of dread and fright...

The Sun put his rays through the bars of her window
And pulled her out, a little each day,
But with night surfaced fears and foes of the past
She watched remorsefully her dark battling his light...

She looked longingly through the window...Waiting,
For the Sun to take her hand and make her melt,
And escape the darkness of her murky core,
Waiting and longing and hoping each day...

When months passed by and years flew past,
Her youth was shed - how long could it last?
Eyes gleamed of a hope not dead, waiting for her miracle,
She would have a happy ending, not tonight...tomorrow morn...

The Sun was youthful still, he kept the play,
Each morn day after day...after day after day,
He pulled and tugged and never gave up,
Seeing her frail fingers reach out was enough...

The tug of war kept on for years, fighting the dark and time,
The Sun shone the same way each day,
But her eyes saw less with every passing morning,
Her time was up, she was drowning, one last tug she thought...

That morning the Sun as his usual self,
Reached out for her hand through the window so dark,
She leapt with all her might at the rays and clung on
Through his fire her flesh burned and started to melt...

She held on for as long as she could, slowly losing grip,
Her breath was short but she wouldn't give up,
For had he? She thought to herself...No never!
This time darkness would be conquered - she would escape...

Her eyes opened slightly, blurry eyes strained to see,
A faint smile crossed her face, crinkling her gnarly face,
She saw before her radiant and bright, the Sun was shining
Flashes of darkness swept by, far away from it all...

Sunshine enveloped her in his embrace and whispered,
Sweet nothings into her ear, filling her heart with warmth,
Thus the tail of the endless struggle ended with a conquering,
Of strength, of happiness, of will and of Sunshine :)

Things to Do - August 2015

Another month of missed targets - best describes the month of July. 

My Goal Analysis for July

#1 - Sketch More - 11 Sketches to be made - 27% Complete - made 3 sketches which can hardly qualify as anything more than doodles

# 2 - Write More - blog about positivity - 8 blog posts for last month and this month - 0% Complete

# 3 - Learn something new - this needs to be taken seriously this month round - 0% Complete - as much as this irritates me!

# 4 - Spend more time outdoors - walks, exercising, anything which has a purpose and is done outdoors - 30% Complete - not sure exactly how to measure this but I purchased a Fitbit which motivates me to go out more!

# 5 - Plan for travel - spent a weekend at Himanchal and came back a different person - must travel more...set up dates and itineraries - and ofcourse save for the trip - WIP - will update next month

# 6 - Spend atleast 15 mins a day exercising. The hike @Camp Roxx showed me exactly how unfit I was...Being realistic this month - no ab challenges, no unrealistic exercise goals - 15 mins of physical activity. - 100% Complete - my Fitbit tells me that I clock on an average 20 "Active" minutes a day!

# 7 - Plan work - of late I have been pushing work forward due to a lack of inclination - Plan work >> Execute within set timelines >> Leave from office when work is over - 50% Complete

Since I have already lost 1 week of August being unproductive/semi productive - My goals for this month will be lesser than last month:

# 1 - Sketch More - 1 sketch a day for the next 20 days

# 2 - Write More - catch up on writing backlog - 8 + 4 Blog Posts (Excluding this one)

# 3 - Go out more - I had a nice time exploring new places with my friend Jessica (who is an ardent traveler herself) - 12 years in India and I had never even been to Akshardham!! Time to go exploring! Whether its a new eatery, monument, place of interest - see one new place a month - and blog about it!

# 4 - Watch more movies - I did a pretty decent job last month and this month too - Antman...followed by Mission Impossible...that's a lot for someone who'd go to a theatre biannually 

# 5 - Look after health - I haven't been keeping too well lately and fitness has gone for a complete toss - long term goal is to loose 5kg by December 2015. Short term goal is to eat healthy, work out 15 mins a day, keep migraines and other ailments at bay.

# 6 - Spend more on self improvement - be it clothes or new glasses or a new perfume...life is short - live it up!

# 7 - Plan solo trip - or maybe not so solo - but trip none the less - somewhere in India

My task list seems decreasing month on month...this should not be seen as failure but an attempt at a more focused goal setting leading to achievement. Lets get this done now!