It’s been a while since I blogged and shared my pearls of wisdom with all those jobless enough to read my blog…The huge sabbatical wasn’t because I was trying to come up with something out of the world to impress people with (as is the excuse used by most jobless writers)… I simply had nothing to write about! Quite shocking coming from someone as opinionated as me right? Well, blame it on the age, I'm a 20 something who could easily pass off for a Senior Citizen – I seem to be having a serious "end life crisis" way before my time! I just got over with my Summer Training – which was good for the most part but nothing worth writing about – like every other job – there were moments of utter despair where I wanted to rip a certain somebody’s head off her shoulder and feed it to the maggots!
Anyways, back to my mid life crisis – I seem to hate everything around me, my paranoia has reached such extreme levels I feel like the whole world is conspiring against me! Shit has been happening over and over again – but that’s not anything I’d like to write about either…so what is the burning topic of the season? The extreme heat in Delhi…followed by a slight drizzle that sends reporters in a tizzy? Or the apparent death/faked death of a certain yester year Pop Star/child molester/plastic factory? Or the legalization of Homosexuality? (seriously what is the government trying to prove? Can they actually make us believe that India can go from Stone Age to Space Age in terms of sexuality?) Or maybe the “Grand Swayamvar” of a struggling actress on whom the “creator” forgot to fit a brain as she was better endowed at other places! (Seriously lady – GET A LIFE – your films flop, your music videos flop…yet you keep desperately trying to hog the limelight by getting “forcibly” kissed by b grade musicians/dumping your boyfriend on national television/trying to act like a coy bride-to-be with your low cut blouses that leave nothing to imagination…I applaud your stubbornness).
Moving on to how I could critique Hindi cinema (one can never get enough of that) but what has been happening lately that’s remotely worth talking about? The strike came and went, leaving us with a lineup of absolutely terrible films to lap up – making me wish that it would be a lot better if the strike HADN’T ended! Then along comes a film like New York – which I’d like to call eye candy for the brain – it had a social message, very good looking people in the lead roles – an okay-ish execution without going too over the top with the “social message”…and just when we thought Hindi cinema might just be improving – the very next week a movie like Kambakhhhht EEEks is released…Now I don’t know about you but for me – passing off Kareena Kapoor aka Bebo as an aspiring surgeon is like imagining Mother Teresa lap dancing for Snoop Dog (Forgive me for saying such things ma’am and all those who want to pelt me with stones for making such a comparison)…Then there’s the senseless story which starts with a man-hating-bra-burning-feminist type Bebo and a womanizer Action Kumar – the story progresses as aspiring surgeon hottie (who by the way hates Actions rippling guts) leaves a watch in macho-man-playboy-stunt double’s stomach – not just any watch, oh no…this is a bollyholly watch – one that goes “Mangalam Mangalam” so loud it can be heard out of Actions frail intestines that have worn down due to all his super exaggerated, digitally enhanced “action sequences”. Now hottie dockie gets all freaked out that she might get sued by Action for malpractice so she tries the act of seduction to get the watch back – here is what may have been running through her mind – “ok let me wear the teeniest clothes I have (can’t go in the buff because we are Indian and this is an Indian film and I am an Indian woman – its ok if the white chicks are scantily clad – they have no morals anyways)…get drunk and dance around reminding him that I am Bebo. Once he’s lost in transition as he admires my ribs and hip bones, I will put my hand down his throat and retrieve the watch (such a Religious object has no place in such an immoral mans gutt), if things get ugly I will have to make out with the dog (oh the misery!) but obviously I cant have sex, getting drunk and wearing hankie sized clothes is ok but sex is a NO NO…” So as things would have it – Action falls in lurve (he was bound to, seeing how hot those ribs and hip bones are) and pops the question. Bebo does a Rakhi Sawant a la Swayamvar Style and says NO…I can’t possibly marry you – you’re a male (Rakhi might have other reasons though)! Then Action uses the jealousy angle and pits a firangi hottie against poor Bebo to bring her to her senses. In the end it all ends happily ever after like every other Hindi film! (Save yourselves the torture of watching it)
So films are really not worth writing about! With all that said, I have nothing going on in my life that would inspire me enough to write something that would be remotely interesting/readable to anybody with half a gram of brain. I was told by my Industry Mentor (during my Training) that I have no life! And this is coming from a 30 something man with a wife and kids – what could be worse? I might aswell wear thick rimmed glasses and granny panties and go shopping for laxatives for my constipated bowels! It may be a while before I write again - blame it on the age!
