Friday, January 8, 2016

Dilwale - The Review

I haven't written in ages now, those who know me must have expected this review - those who don't know me...know this...I LOVE SHAH RUKH KHAN!

So the much awaited SRK-Kajol starer released amidst great expectations because the power couple was returning after a gap of 5 years...but's a Rohit Shetty flick...errr...Yash ji are you seeing this! Rohit Shetty = Cars flying/exploding/drifting/doing super natural things + slapstick comedy/single screen humor + larger than life sets which more often than not look like sets (think Chennai Express)...SRK + Kajol = ROMANCE + Intensity + Fairytale Love...the two combined = Dilwale!

There's a dialogue in the movie which goes "Dil tho har kisi ke paas hota hai par sab dilwale nahi hote"...which is precisely what determines whether you will hate the movie. The movie has received absolutely trash reviews from most places - I say the reviewers went into the moview not using their heart but their mind. The movie apparently borrows instances from Golmaal and Love Actually...I haven't seen Golmaal so I can't comment there but Love Actually is a beautiful honestly WHO CARES? Now lets begin the review...please read it from your heart <3 font="" nbsp="">

The Cast:

Shahrukh Khan - Kaali/Raj Randhir Bakshi/Ramlal - The Hero / Anti Hero and everything in between
Kajol - Meera Dev Malik/Pogo ji - The Hero / Anti Hero and everything in between
Varun Dhawan - Veer Randhir Bakshi - Shahrukh's (irritating) younger brother who thinks he's Vin Diesel from the F&F Franchise
Kriti Sanon - Ishita Dev Malik - Kajol's bimbo (irritating) younger sister
Some Fat Dude - Sidhu - Varun's BFF

Vinod Khanna - Don 1 - Randhir Bakshi - Bulgaria ka Don and doting dad of Varun and SRK
Kabir Bedi - Don 2 - Dev Malik - Bulgaria ka dusra Don and doting dad of Ishita and Meera
Johnny Lever - Money Bhai - the (irritating) South Indian petty thief
Some other Dude with a beard like Master Shifu from Kung Fu Panda - Oscar Bhai - he owns a stolen spare parts store and rhymes all his lines with brands (hillarious at times)
These Two Other Dudes (one of whom looks like Jackie Shroff's body double) -  the henchmen of SRK's papa who was a Don in Bulgaria ...yea baby it's not just Gujrati's that are spread in every corner of the world! They are predictably called Shakti and Anwar (and then people say we are an intolerant nation - take a cue from Don 1 on tolerance)
Boman Irani - King - a not-so-funny-cartoon like "drug lord" who drives around in a sunshine yellow vintage car

This random chick - Sidhu's money mooching girlfriend & Oscar Bhai's sister (she's another spare part)
Cars - lots and lots of big burly cars!

The Plot / The Story / The Spoilers :

The movie opens with a scene where SRK is getting shot *wtf*...but it's only a dream (phew!)...cut to the next scene where we are introduced to 'Raj Bhai'...Goa's very own Dilip Chabaria who owns a "garage" where muscle cars get modified! Goa is a very very colourful city (literally and figuratively) - the house and garage these guys own is painted in every shade of the rainbow - candy crush overload! We are then introduced to Veer-Vin-Diesel-Bakshi, Raj ka chota bhai, who loves his cars and his women...actually he loves his women more than the cars because he totals a very very sexy car in an attempt to help get a damsel in distress to the government office on time so that she can get her restaurant registration papers in on time...Much to the displeasure of his fat friend.

Big brother finds out about the busted car which had gone for an "innocent test drive" but can't really reprimand Veer because - he loves him to death and beyond! Veer falls "deeply in love" with the damsel he "rescued" and looks for ways to bump into her again and again - all the while over doing the over acting. Veer gets entangled with the drug peddling henchmen of King who beat him up bad...thus ruffling Raj's feathers - NO ONE MESSES WITH HIS KID BROTHER! Raj sniffs out the goons and beats them to a pulp while wearing a 'jaadu' like hoodie to hide his identity. When the puzzled goons enquire who dunnit he intensely mouths off..."bol dena Kaali aya tha" (wtf wasn't Kaali a chick name?!?!).

Flashback: cut to Bulgaria where two warring Don families are at each others throats for gold...enter Kaali - the adopted son of Don 1 who is a war machine who stops at nothing - except when he "bumps into" (literally) Kajol. His world stops...revolves...and then better sense prevails and out comes the golden gun, cars fly and he escapes with all the gold. Now a weakness for women runs in the family - SRK tracks down Kajol "the (con) artist" at her open exhibition and asks her to go on a date...a 5 minute date (yes yes it screams How I met your Mother - BIG DEAL). She tells him its her birthday the next day...and they must meet! But wait - Kaali has to take all the gold across the border the next day...aaargh what the hell...they must meet...and they do! The gold carrying convoy gets tracked down and cars explode - everyone is injured and lo and behold! A gun wielding Kajol is doing a "slow don walk" towards SRK - happy birthday to me! She spares his life because she finds him in a pitiful state - and it's her birthday - so she's going to take all the gold instead! Girls love their bling :)

Somehow better sense prevails in Kajol and she sees the good in SRK (she has to face a near death situation a'la Mission Impossible where she's dangling from a car and he saves her) - he truly loved her and it was only fair that she falls for him too! Thus the pursued becomes the pursuer and she decides to camp outside his house in hail and high water to prove her love. They decide to get their families to meet like typical Indian boys and girls, end their feud and make peace so the two can continue their budding romance! Don 2 (Kajol's daddy) - has other plans - he wants to use this "meeting" to further deepen the divide and he succeeds - it's another story that he dies in the process - both Don's end up shooting each other...Kaali swoops in and in an attempt to save his daddy, grabs the gun and points it at Don 2...just as Kajol makes her dramatic entry! WTF you're trying to kill my daddy! Damn you! Damn you to hell pretty boy! I will now go back to hating you if that's ok. #Betrayal_squared.

Derivations from Flashback: SRK and Kajol both have a "past" - Veer does not know about his brothers past - nor does he know that his brother isn't actually his brother...who is Ishita one wonders - doesn't take a genius to figure that she would somehow be connected to Kajol - sister maybe? Bingo!

Cut to Present: Ishita and Veer are totally in love and decide (like sanskari Indian children) that "bado ko milna chaiye" - now that we (the audience) know about the torrid past of the "senior folks" but these two love birds are absolutely oblivious - as are the senior folks. Hell breaketh loose when the twain meet - Kajol goes insane with fury when she finds out how twisted her kid sister's love web has become. She kicks a draper looking SRK out of her house and tells her kid sister she can ask for a damn unicorn but there is no way she's going to allow her to be with Veer.

Now Veer loves his brother and listens to just about anything he will say - he re-assures us about this by telling Ishita "Bhai k liye kuch bhi"...yes Varun we believe you! The two love birds are still curious why their older siblings hate each-other so much - who better to interrogate than the two henchmen errr "uncles" who have known Raj since forever! One of the two has to crack...and they do - what follows is an unbelievably insane account of Pogo ji and Ramlal's love story where Pogo ji dumps poor Ramlal because...he is poor! 

Lesson Learned : never try to make up a story while watching television and lifting things as they come by - the resultant story will make you cringe, however, if the person on the other side has the IQ of a stupid amoeba - they might just buy Veer does!

Ishita and Veer set out on a quest to re-unite Pogo ji and Ramlal - their quest is heavily laced with ulterior motives to lay the cornerstones of their own union. Veer recruits Money Bhai to "scare" Meera and allow Raj to come to the rescue (this kid still think's it's the 80's where such lame tricks used to work...Bollywood in excess I'm thinking?). Meera was once a hard-core gun wielding Don Spawn...she whips out a baseball bat from the trunk of her PINK Volkswagen (I told you Goa was a colourful town) and whoops Money Bhai's ass. Moving on quickly to Plan B - Veer decides to tamper with the Pink Volkswagen (because it is assumed chicks can't fix cars)...This time his assumption is correct - Meera, stranded in the middle of nowhere...Raj happens to be at the right place at the right time...fixes the car...doesn't utter a word...she says thanks and it starts to rain...ooooh what a perfect setting for a perfect song ("Daayre" begins...Bollywood in super excess but who cares...SRK in the rain is a yummy sight!).
It takes more than fixing a car to melt the Iron Maiden's heart...Kings men arrive at her quaint little cafe and order her to stock up their drugs next to her breakfast rolls. She gets into a squabble and since Raj happened to be stalking her at that very moment - he jumps in and beats Kings men to a pulp...AGAIN. The frozen heart starts to melt oh so little...Afterall - who in their right mind can resist SRK with all his boyish charm *sigh*

One of the side plots kicks in and forms an integral part of the main plot - the fat friend decides he wants to marry his annoying girlfriend...King's vintage car gets stolen and gets a fresh coat of blinding GOLD paint - this will be the "shaadi ka gift". By now we can almost predict what's going to happen next - cut to "Mere yaar ki Christian wedding"...All is going well - Meera and Raj exchange these silent words of love...when trouble strikes. King and his men happen to be the religious sorts who just so happen to come to the church while the wedding is going on - they see the car - and King explodes into a comical rage that tickles your funny bone more than it scares you. The eternal case of whodunit starts and slowly the "culprit" needle begins pointing towards Veer. King's henchmen start to beat Veer to a pulp...Veer falls...Meera tends to him and simultaneously screams "Kaaliiiiiiiiiii". SRK slow walks into the frame and beats everyone up...Kaali style! Everything ends happily ever wait...where did the Tukur Tukur song go...get your ass back on the seat - it's part of the closing credits *sigh*

My Verdict:

Now that you've more or less watched/read the movie through the eyes of a fan - you'd have also reached the conclusion that the movies story is nothing short of predictable. However, having been taught to see the good in everything here's my conclusion - the movie is beautiful, the director has attempted to mish-mash comedy with romance and action and everything else under the sun...which may be a bit much. The main story which should revolve around SRK and Kajol comes and goes and has more or less become a sub-plot rather than the main plot (Veer and Irritating Ishita get more screen time). The movie is NOT DDLJ nor was it ever meant to be - not every SRK-Kajol love story will live up to those epic proportions. Dilwale is a movie about love, and can only be enjoyed if you switch off your brain and switch on your heart. Don't find logic and reason in what's being shown, don't try to find structure in the story, don't try to make sense of anything that's happening - because all that ain't love! For the lover in you, and the eternally intense romance between SRK and Kajol - Dilwale must be watched!

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