Dear Diary,
It's been an eternity since I last heard from him, a deafening silence that gnaws at my insides. I'm haunted by the echoes of my actions, the words I uttered—why did I say those things? Why did I push him away when all I wanted was to pull him closer? The urge to reach out is suffocating, but the fear of discovering he's moved on cripples me. Does he not miss me? Weren't we entwined in love, or was it all a facade? I'm questioning everything—my worth, my existence. Nothing feels tangible anymore; I'm enveloped in an illusion.
Today, I saw him chatting with Shania. He promised to call her. Will he ever dial my number again? My first exam—a surreal haze of thoughts and worry, a heart weighed down by his absence. Is he over me already? I'm drowning in disbelief and confusion, begging silently: don't I deserve happiness? A love that embraces me wholly, a sanctuary from the chaos. Dad's illness adds flames to this raging inferno, and I feel stranded, engulfed by the blaze.
My exam? A blur. My mind, preoccupied, sent him a blank email with an attachment—a desperate plea for a lifeline, for any semblance of normalcy. But all I feel now is an agonizing numbness, a pain that renders me void. He promised never to hurt me, but here I am, shattered and abandoned. Withdrawal gnaws at my soul; he's vanished, buried in his solitude, hiding behind a facade. I believed his excuses, his plea of needing to study. Why does he treat me differently? How can he chat with strangers while ignoring me completely? Who will answer these tormenting questions?
People advise me to move on, forget him, but he vowed to be my anchor. Where is he now when I'm adrift? Was this a twisted rehabilitation, a game to push me deeper into delusion? The colors of my world have dulled, my once vibrant palette lost in a monochrome haze. I hate the canvas, the paintbrush—I hate this art of longing.
I yearn to feel, to be enveloped in his presence. The ache is unbearable. Tomorrow looms, a dreaded prospect, a continuation of this desolation. But tonight, as another day fades, I wish—fervently hope—that tomorrow never arrives.
K
14 comments:
all our lives arent rosy kapila. we're just attempting to make them so.
and as long as we're attempting, we're acting true to our nature.and thats all that matters..
I believe life is rosy...some people catch the rose by the petals and others by the thorns...it all depends on how one looks at things...we humans don't really have a given nature to act true to...what we perceive to be instict we attribute to our nature...ok i dunno im jus blabbing
some paintings shine best when painted by two different artists....may they be in one body....so if 1 day the first's spectrum of colors disappears....he can always ask the other to JUMP UP AND GET CRACKIN.....
as for a flowery life...well...its not just human but the instinct of every being to adapt...but it is all too human to have HOPE...a word or feeling which drives us all..perceptions make reality...circumstances add to our conscious and sub-conscious..hence only affect....and not create...so be the one to create your own reality....causality should be severed from choosing our way of life....
thank you for indulging in this....lol
im just playing around..
@anuj
very well said...and the end was typically "anuj"...well some people prefer to paint solo because it saves alot of hurt...for themselves and other people...not everyone can have HOPE...each time your hopes get dashed apart you hope less the next time and soon enough hope runs out...and what emerges is a person who cant balance on her own two feet...
ok now im getting derailed again...crap!
@above-dude....ofcourse its her hand.....im sorry to interrupt...but she does thorough work....gutsy female....this...not the best of decision maker...but yeah...thorough none-the-less
right i ignore the blog for a bit n action happens...nice...vishy that is my hand in the pic...duno how "gutsy" i am in my actions but yea i do tend to act on instinct...n later on regret...well as far as the being a spectator goes...theres a threshold after which one doesnt like being the "extra" n craves to be a part of the game...even if it means being called on for a substitution post half time when ur team is 2-1 down and missing a penalty and getting sent off on a red card...err too much footie but i hope u get the drift :)
I dont have any words to say...but if only u cud answer one question of mine...is it possible to control our emotions n feelings whn some1 comes really close to u...evn whn u knw tht the person is bound to go..?? Wht to do if u fall for such a person whom u knw cn nvr b urs...??
@anonymous person
to err is human...we all make mistakes - some knowingly some unknowingly...falling for someone who can never be urs isnt a crime, a mistake maybe...if it makes u happy to pursue a lost cause then by all means go for it...but be warned that the consequence will neither be pleasant nor "happy"...there will be momentary joy in the persuit...in the longing...but in the end you will be alone(thats the undeniable truth). if ur ready to face that and still hold ur chin up, gather the pieces of ur broken heart and start all over then go for it...its human nature to pursue things which are considered unattainable...but then again if the person in question(the one ur trying to persue)is happy in his/her life...try not to interfere too much...the last thing u'd want is to see a tear in ur loved ones eye.
-said like a true romantic :) practicality levels 0
totally agree!!!!with above....in my crass terms....expect nothing....do what is possible....and be content with even a morsel....thats pretty much it.....once a decision made...stick to it...u know that person will...so why should'nt u????
oh and that second que...u try...try... n thn try some more...basically till u break...
i am right arent i madam author???
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