The Swan Song Gone Wrong...A tame review of Jab Tak Hai Jaan

I seem to have developed a knack for writing ridiculously long movie reviews but in my defence I would like to point out that thanks to my reviews – my handful of followers get to “read” the movie without wasting money (albeit wasting a couple of minutes in lieu thereof)...

Ok back to Jab Tak Hai Jaan (the Yash Raj and Johar camp seem to have a knack for ridiculously long names which they turn into abbreviations to make it look cool...JTHJ...K3G...KKHH...etc etc)...so JTHJ is a love story – one that transcends all laws of logic and reasoning. Love by (my) definition is deaf, dumb, stupid and in this case...brain dead aswell! If you are planning to watch this movie to follow a well formed plot with a sensible story then DON’T...if you are planning to kill time by watching a movie to reinforce your dwindling belief in love and the fact that crazy lovers (not the psycho-killer types mind you) exist...guys who will swear celibacy and wait for 10 long years for the love of their life...to feel the magic of London...Ladakh...and every scenic destination in between...to see “life” in its most Utopian form (yea there are no villains here and everything is just perfect)...to watch a hot NRI babe groove like never before - then go grab some popcorn now!

I will begin by introducing the main/side kick characters in the film:

1. Samar Anand (a typical 25 going on 47 year old fresh off the boat Punjabi munda in JooKay (UK) with “London Dreams” who does odd jobs to make ends meet...has Inglis "constipations"...and manages to make you go aww on so many occassions  in the first half) / Major Samar-Man-Who-Can’t-Die-Anand (an angry, silent, unforgiving, emotionally dead, semi-convincing Bomb disposal expert in the second half) / Shahrukh Khan (throughout the movie) : he is undoubtedly the “super hero” of the movie...the story may well have been called Jab Tak Hai Khan and it wouldn’t have made a world of a difference!

2. Katrina Kaif a.k.a Meera Thapar : a billionaire’s only daughter who - as is customary in most of her movies was born and brought up in London where her only job from birth to adolescence was to look pretty, be rich, benevolently generous and trade wishes for promises with Jesus. She hates Indian men because they are too boring...and brown (Yo Yo Honey Singh please note that brown ladies are desirable – brown men not so much)...She has pronunciation issues – some intentional some not so much (some how Roger becomes Raja after she learns that damn Punjabi song...either that or I suffered from retrograde deafness in between the movie). She has mommy issues...and society issues...and Sir Jesus issues (guess the Queen had power to anoint even back then)...and wild child trapped in goody-two-shoes issues...and lost love issues...basically lots of issues...BUT she does divide her time between making guest appearances at her flourishing business, her fiancé, her issues, the random Punjabi singer dude she sees on the street AND tonnes of charity (because the more you give...the more you receive). 

3. Ak-eeee-ra Rai / Anushka-Bikini Body-Sharma : an irritating, over zealous "tom boy" who thinks its cool to prance around in teeny weeny bikini’s, jump into lakes (in Ladakh) and complain that the water is freezing – unfortunately the budget didn’t allow for central heating of lakes! *I am left wondering why oversized tee's and baggy shorts constituted 90% of my wadrobe when I was going through the "tom boy" phase in life* She aspires to make it big in Discovery Chanel (if its as simple as she makes it out to be I’d like to give it a shot!)

4. Anupam Kher / Mr Thapar / Meera’s dad (in a super duper important cameo) : It is because of him that Meera hunts down Samar and starts spending time with him

4. Rishi Kapoor and Neetu Singh / Imraan and Pooja : Mom’s lover and Mom who deserted little Meera and pranced off with her wine swigging lover! Their characters have been added for the following reasons – 1. To give Meera mommy issues...2. To tell society that YRF believes it’s ok to leave your husband and child for your love...it’s progressive...and when your child who has spent 21 years of her life hating you and having mommy issues “grows up” and goes through the same phase because of some “betrayal” gene you passed on...she will understand!

5. SRK’s Pakistani Roommate who can’t hold a job / freeloads his way through the movie only to become the owner of one of UK ka “Top Restaurants” : this character has been added to show that YRF is the most secular banner of film making...to advertise Oswal sweaters...and to depict the classic rags to riches story and further reinforce our belief in Utopia.

6. The Doctor : This character has been added to tell the world that Doctors aren’t super genius people...they too can have moments of dumbness which cloud their sanity.

The Story – or Lack of...

SRK makes his grand (albeit silent) entry in “Present Day Ladakh” where a man in a bomb disposal suit is sweating his ass off trying to figure out which wire to cut. Samar breezes in army overalls, snips the wire and rides off into the wilderness leaving his fellow comrades behind to gush about his amazing “Defused 95 bombs and counting” record. The poem plays in the background and a chill rises up your spine...this is going to be one intense movie you feel (trust me you couldn’t be further away from the truth my friend).

Enter Akira in an itsy bitsy teeny weeny striped bikini (cuz polka dots are just passe baby!) ...a little too scantily clad for Ladakh I felt. Before we are done admiring her athletic body which by the way is drool worthy...she decides to take a plunge in the lake and starts screaming for help because she’s about to drown (factual error: she mentions some time later how she’s this amazing athlete and an expert swimmer too...but I suppose since they forgot the central heating in the lake the ice cold water got to her). Our calm composed hero continues to sit there and sip his tea...he does eventually save her...lend her his jacket...and ride off into the wilderness again as she bumbles away soldier...soldier...soldierrr! The mistake he makes is giving her his jacket which also contains his diary...the diary where he’s penned down lyrics of the song he would sing on loop to earn money...minute factual details about his love life...sex life...life in general...amongst other not so interesting details about the bomb’s he’s disposed...what an amazing read (someone ought to tell Akira it’s rude to read people’s diary’s)...enter FLASHBACK (the done to death technique that just wont die)...

Flashback Begins...

Samar reminisces about how he saw the red angel (laal pari) running through the snow (thankfully not in a chiffon saree)...Enter Church...We see Katrina Kaif begging Sir Jesus (as he’s fondly called these days) to ensure her dad rejects this dude who she has to meet (to think they still believe in arranged marriages out in “phoren”...just goes to show you can take the Indian out of India but you cant take India out of the Indian!)...in return she will stop wearing fur (and Sir Jesus ought to know how much she just loooves her mink coats). A baffled Samar wonders how Jesus deals with such crazy people (not long from now the audience will feel the same). Samar goes back home to his grimy room partner and prattles about how they will make rent...Its only just to break out into a song at this point to deal with this miserable situaiton...”Challa”...Rabbi with due respect to your amazing voice...promise me you will never ever ever sing a song that will be picturised on SRK! (Through the song we spot Meera checking out Samar at various junctures)...so now we have seen that Samar not only shovels snow...he also sings on the streets, sells fish and does any odd job he can find to survive in London. One fine day whilst at the fish market (mis-pronouncing every possible word he speaks) Samar meets a kind gentleman who tells him if he ever gets “tired” of selling fish then he should come join him and get a real job (are you kidding me! How long does it take to get tired of fish!). The job this gentleman offers is to wait tables at none other than Meera’s engagement party.

Post engagement whilst taking out the trash Samar chances upon a distraught yet oh so pretty looking Meera who is puffing away voraciously on a ciggy...He feels bad that Sir Jesus never listened to her but oh no he did...the guy she just got “happily engaged to” is some other guy...Samar feels it is his duty to dole out pearls of wisdom about how she is secretly sad about the way her life is shaping up – trying to poke at her wild side maybe (cuz he knows she has one). This one time meeting results in the awakening of the Bharati Naari within Meera and she decides to shock her old man by singing a Punjabi song on his 50^th...why Punjabi you ask? Well her father was from Lahore silly (another rags to riches example)...so she tracks down Samar to teach her – funny that a billionaire’s daughter living in London couldn’t find anybody else to teach her but the guy who sings the “Challa” song! She offers him 500 pounds for his services but he declines (like the self respecting Punjabi munda that he is...he would rather die than take rent money from this nice firangi lady)...instead he offers to teach her a Punjabi song if she teaches him “Gentlemanly” English (how hard can that possibly be).

Slowly we are taken through a series of cute instances of her learning music (or pretending to) and him learning how to pronounce SALMON from the chick who can barely pronounce things right herself. Both are making heady progress and falling in love in the process. Somewhere between being best buddies and spending tonnes of time together, Samar makes Meera realise that she isn’t putting soul into her music because she is trapped in this goody-two-shoes way of life that she needs to shed or god forbid she will make a fool out of herself singing at the grand party. Inorder to do that she needs to embrace her sexuality and street dance in the Bronx. She complies and the dance (praiseworthy for Katrina may not have an ounce of acting ability but boy can she dance) is accompanied by Ishq Shava.

So inhibitions are shed...love professed...good girl gone bad realises she’s a good engaged bharati naari and must shun this paraya mard...but he wont budge. This calls for another song...Heer...she sings...dreams about him...and then drags him to Sir Jesus so they make a promise not to cross the friendship line. He complies...she tries to get on with her own life when suddenly there arrives a package from her estranged mother (who read about her daughters engagement in the papers - damn this is one famous NRI we're dealing with here peopl!) which contains a "shaadi ka joda" and a note that tells Meera about how mommy ran off to be with the man she loved etc etc. Meera decides she must make a trip to meet her mother and her mothers lover...just to get that closure...post this meeting she sees the light...and realises she loves Samar and she must be with Samar and she must do Samar at every opportunity she finds Jab Tak Hai Jaan. Samar being the good Indian boy that he is tries to stop her and reminds her of the repercussions of breaking a promise to Sir Jesus (like she gives a damn)...they both pounce on eachother like pubescent teenagers and make love...rather awkwardly...then there is a song...Saans (at this point you are so bugged by the frequency of songs your brain goes numb during the number).

Now the power of God is also a major theme in this movie...God doesn’t like to be messed with so he teaches these two lovelorn puppies a lesson by getting Samar involved in a traffic accident which doesn’t really look fatal to the audience but possibly from where Katrina is standing it looks like he might die. She begs Sir Jesus to spare his life and in return (she doesn’t have much to give up...she’s already given up fur...smoking...chocolates...and possibly half her wealth too) she will leave Samar forever and banish him from the Queen’s country. Ok says Sir Jesus and Samar lives (phew what a relief...not only does love exist I am getting a sneaky feeling God does too!).

A dejected, heart broken and pissed off Samar leaves London and goes back to India and joins the army (the army doesn’t have an age cap for people who are multi talented...who sing and wait tables and sell fish). In a short span he becomes a bomb disposal expert and look – NO SUIT! He goes out and stares death in the eye...challenging God every day to kill him and break Meera’s trust in Sir Jesus and humanity (oh no!).

Flashback ends...

Cut to the present...Akira is in tears reading this tragic tale (serves her right for reading someone else’s diary). She finds this to be documentary material (what a selfish bitch – one man’s pain and failed relationship becomes another woman’s ticket to Discovery Channel – not cool!). She convinces her boss (a rather uptight Brit) to let her do this story as a one woman army. Somehow she manages to get an all you can see pass into the army camp where the bomb disposal expert and his lecherous friends are holed up. Samar is irritated because this stupid Akira (who by the way is from the make out break out/up generation...still wondering what that is) wants to get herself killed in micro shorts. Adamant Akira isn’t going anywhere till she gets her story...fine says the angry young man and we have another song...Jiya Jiya re Jiya re...The crew move from place to place and Akira films the bomb disposal dude doing his stuff (funny how that’s even allowed considering how distracting it would be for an army man to watch a scantily clad lady dangling infront of his face as he tried to figure which wire to cut).

Akira submits her teaser and it’s a hit...BUT theres a slight glitch...firangi’s being the way they are don’t trust Indian folk. They need to authenticate the story and for that they need the man who cannot die to appear before them in flesh and blood. She asks...he declines...but we know he will be there. He shows up at her door step and lo and behold he gets hit by a van (God might forgive but he sure as hell doesn’t forget!). Now we have a very very hurt Samar (again from the audience angle the accident didn’t seem fatal...but it was) suffering from retrograde amnesia (which is very common in head injuries...so be careful everytime you bump your head...you might be taken 10years back in time).

Samar is in an extremely sensitive and critical situation...they need to slowly bring him back to the present from where he’s stuck (which as the very able Doctor tells us is an extremely risky process - yes you guessed it...one false move and we'll have a vegetable on our hands). Brave Akira goes on a mission to find Meera and make things right (she started it afterall). Meera lies her way back into Samar’s life and brings back all his long lost friends (his roommate is now the owner of a Michelin star restaurant...the guy who fished him from the fish market to wait tables is still scouting for talent like his...and Meera and Samar have been married 5 years...wooot!). They plot and plan to figure out ways to bring back his memory...he has these flashes of his bomb disposal days but nothing works. Meera all but gives up when all of a sudden there is a bomb scare in the London Tube. His expert brain gets jogged into the present and he not only identifies the bomb in the bag without seeing it but also defuses it! Now thats why he’s the expert...along comes him memory and also a pang of betrayal – Meera lied to him! Damn that b*tch!

Meanwhile Akira decides to bow out of the race so Meera and Samar can get together already but Samar has other plans. He makes Meera confess her lies and then walks out on her the way she once did...but he adds a clause...if she decides to get over her Jesus hangup...she can come find him (she has an inbuilt GPS and knack of finding Samar – she did that when he was just a random stranger singing on the streets she can do it again). Lo and behold whilst Akira has a big press conference about her documentary...and Samar defuses his 105^th bomb...along comes a Meera clad in a white salwar kameez (as per Yash Chopra standards it should have been a saree but never mind...we are progressing). Samar has one last task...to defuse his 106^th bomb...”will I die today?” he comments after seeing her...going by his track record the audience moves to the edge of their seats praying the bomb wont explode! It doesn’t...there is a dialogue about how it wasn’t their time to love back then and now it is...and its a wrap! Thank you for your patience. The movie ends with the title song Jab Tak Hai Jaan which couldn’t get filmed (thank god for that).

The Good

1. SRK plays a man his age (in the second half)...and SRK is generally always the good...he has done a great job in this film too (despite the flawed plot)

2. The scenic locations and amazing camera work

3. A couple of comic scenes beautifully done by the god of romance SRK

4. Katrina Kaif’s dancing and Anushka Sharma’s body

The Bad

1. Yash Chopra’s last film – a bit of a lacklustre farewell to the man who taught us how to love and believe in fairytales and happy endings

2. A R Rehman’s music and misplaced singers – Rehman could have done better...has done better rather...the singers’ voices weren’t in sync with the actors...Rabbi does NOT sound like SRK and Harshdeep Kaur does NOT sound like Katrina

3. The Length of the Movie – the film dragged a little too much

The Ugly

1. The skewed ratio of songs to scenes...waaay too many songs for my liking

2. The Heroines – one was too loud and the other too dumb

3. Factual Errors – mentioned in detail in the review

4. Weak plot – revolving an entire movie around a ridiculous promise made to God 

Verdict – sometimes its ok to be a hopeless romantic and leave your reasoning and brain at home to just watch the movie and see a man so hopelessly in love with a woman that he bows down to her ridiculous beliefs and waits for her to come back to him...this is one of those times...go watch it to love...go watch it for Yash Chopra...go watch it for meeeee :-)

P.S. I am a die-hard SRK fan...I saw the movie first day first show and I plan to see it again! *Bitten by the Crazy Bug*