Ra.Waaaaaaaaaaaa!-n

Disclaimer - I am a self professed SRK fan; its extremely difficult for me to pan his films no matter how pathetic/senseless/dumb they may be. I am writing this post listening to Akon crooning o...o...o...criminol complete with his glorious nasal twang that would make our Himesh a tad bit uncomfortable. Being an SRK fan I make it a point to watch all his films – on TV, theatre, anywhere else possible – so I went to see Ra.One the weekend when it got released – in 3D (sat for 3 hours wearing uncomfortable, ill fitting glasses for this experience)!

The movie starts off with a rather dumb looking chick preaching about virtual reality – how “rays” can be used to bring virtual things to life (honestly the techie-geek in me was miffed at the way the concept of virtual reality was distorted by this bimbo – much to my shock the bimbo turned out to be one of the programmers of the hi-tech game...eesh!). The next few scenes are a lil absurd and misplaced – we have Lucifer – a scantily clad, bronzed SRK zipping through a very graphic artificial-landscape on a mission to save “Desi Girl” (Priyanka Chopra – cameo – her only job was to “hang” around...looking pretty) from the clutches of the evil villain (Sanjay Dutt – cameo) Khalnayak (where have I heard that before???). On this mission Lucifer must defeat Bruce Lee’s three sisters – Iski Lee, Uski Lee and Sabki Lee (wtf! By this point I was semi convinced I had walked into the wrong hall and was thinking of ways to creep out...) Some jazzy fight sequences later Lucifer confronts the villain in a rather comic way – a few lines filled with innuendos are shared and Lucifer manages to rescue the desi girl...when all of a sudden the villains voice turns feminine – that’s when the audience realises its a dream sequence and dreams can be stupid – Prateik’s been dozing in class again when he should be writing an essay about his dad – his hero (really?? They still do that in school??). Let me pause here and introduce the characters in this movie for the benefit of those who haven’t already seen it and know what’s going to happen next:

1. SRK – plays Shekhar Subramanium (pre-interval) – the bumbling South Indian simpleton who works as a programmer in a software firm that makes video games. Post interval he turns into the super slick superhero G.One (more on that later).

2. Kareena Kapoor – plays the flowerpot Sonia Subramanium – the Punjabi kuddi who mouths silly expletives at the drop of a hat with the pretext of writing a thesis on “gaali’s” based on the opposite gender...afterall why should every verbal attack in Hindi be based on the mother/sister/female relative? (Strange thesis...even stranger woman).

3. Some kid with really long straight hair - plays Prateik Subramaniam (aka Lucifer) – the kid who’s too smart for his own good – at his age kids don’t hack into computer systems driven by complex codes – but then again he’s the hero’s son...some of the heroics were bound to rub off.

4. Some Chinese/Japanese guy – plays Akashi – the guy who simulates the moves of the characters in the game (kudos for his martial artistry - Capoeira, Kung Fu and what have you...all in your face!)

5. Some random dumb chick (who gave the presentation) – plays Jenny – a programmer *cough choke splutter* - one of the cogs of the team that makes the game

6. Rajnikant – who plays Chitti (nothing more can/should be said)

7. Then there are extras – Priyanka Chopra (desi girl), Sanjay Dutt(khalnayak), this fat guy with a moustache (Subramaniam’s nosey neighbour in India), this guy with a really bad wig (Barron – owner of Barron Industries), Arjun Rampal (who plays a guy in a poster – and then Ra.One)...that pretty much covers them all.

Ok so the story thus far – we have a tycoon Mr Barron who threatens to send all his employees packing if they don’t create a game that will take over the world (be careful what you wish for Mr Barron)...err ok not quite send them packing but he plans to open a South Indian restaurant and reinstate them all there (One wonders why? Does he have that many South Indians in his team? What would the Chinese/Japanese guy do? Make Idli Manchurian?...but ofcourse!)...Anyways – enter the Subramaniam household – Mrs Subramaniam playfully swears at her bumbling husband who clearly enjoys hearing her mouth foul expletives. We have a son who is clearly going through his rebellious phase in life where he’s listening to heavy metal at deafening decibels and playing video games all day – he thinks his dad’s a loser – understandably so. Shekhar (head of the household) is stereotypical to the bone – a true blue noodle-with-curd eating “madrasi” who has serious pro-nown-ciashun issues...inorder to redeem himself in the eyes of his rebellious son – who if I may add is seriously bright for his age (being a tech geek – even I didn’t know how to hack and tweak mainframes that well at his age – kudos Mr Subramaniam for your excellent parenting skills – doubt the foul mouthed mom had much to do with it)...anyways moving along – Prateik – like all kids in the “rebellious stage” thinks evil is good (oxymoron) and villains are cooler and better than heroes – much to his fathers disappointment who fundamentally believes in the good triumphs over evil bit. Regardless of his ideology – the doting father goes ahead to make a super villain that will kick every heroes ass like no super villain ever has...this is followed by a seriously dumb brainstorming session with the bimbo and the Japanese dude – the good one shall be called g.one...really now that is so bright...*sigh*

Brainstorming over – enter development stage – speckled with Capoeira like fight moves, suit development, facial reconstruction of the hero (the villain has no face – he can become whoever he likes), suit making, HART making etc etc etc...all this is done with the backdrop of a background score so deafening it would be hard to miss. Development stage is over – the game is ready – time to party – with Akon...yup who knew the Barron had such contacts – the grand game launch party see’s the Senegalese-American crooning away to Crimin-ol...everyones having fun...Shekhar and wifey are shaking a leg...Prateik is backstage kickin’ Ra.One’s ass...he reaches stage 2 in a jiffy – too bad the song ended before he could finish the 3 stage futuristic version of Street Fighter otherwise we wouldn’t have anything to watch post interval. Now being defeated by a scrawny lil’ kid who thinks he’s the devil really leaves the super villain miffed so he vows to kill Lucifer – even if that means slipping out of the game and entering the real world (remember the whole virtual reality thing with the “rays” right at the beginning – yea well its about to come true because there’s nothing like a super villain who’s got his shorts in a tangle because he’s a sore loser)...I forgot to add – during the development stage – the villain (prime focus of the game) had started exhibiting some “strange moves” which weren’t supposed to be programmed – proving that he’s a really intelligent super villain – who needs people to program things into you anyways when you can develop a mind of your own with the help of the “rays”.

Long story cut short – Ra.One gets out of the game – kills the Japanese guy and assumes his identity, goes on to kill Shekhar too– but doesn’t assume his identity – cuz’ he likes Japanese guys more and because he didn’t fancy the curly haired look...and big nose. Prateik suddenly has a brainwave – Ra.One killed his dad because he wants revenge! His mom rubbishes the notion – whoever heard of video games coming to life – you can get sucked into one thats true (a la Tron and Tron Legacy) but vice versa just cant happen. So Mr. Lucifer goes to the lab to investigate – even though his mom wants them to catch a plane back to India – back at the lab he meets the bimbo who walks into a ransacked place where all the circuitry has been fried. They discover the body of the Japanese guy hanging from cables – Prateiks sure now that Ra.One has come to life...so he must use his super intelligence and futuristic programming skills (the bimbo gives him the controls as she knows she’s only good at delivering larger than life lectures) to bring G.One to life...Prateik types away but to no avail...the model doesn’t jump to life – so the next best thing is to run for your life – and thats what he does...aided by his super mom with her super driving skills in their super-indestructible-tank of a car (and people thought women can’t drive...Kareena proves otherwise – she can not only drive a car but a local train too).

G.One manages to wriggle out of the game too - he kicks Ra.One's ass around for a bit - breaks him into several tiny lil cubes, steals his HART and goes on to jump on the hood of super sonia's car...just to say hellew...So Prateik wins this round - mom has no choice but to wrap her head round the fact that the game has come to life - INTERVAL -
- POST INTERVAL - a new problem has come up with the arrival of G.One - they still have to go to India - now they need another ticket - not only do they need another ticket - they need to figure out how G.One is going to clear the checks and security at the airport, what with his dreamy blue eyes and super gelled up hair - theres no way he'd pass for Shekhar (really now for cryin out loud he's a program - why can't he just fly...or port...or sit on the wing???) Oh well they clear security...and reach India (this is when I had an urge to go buy popcorn so I missed a bit...) When I got back I saw goons attacking Super Sonia at the airport - I wondered why - G.One saved her from the goons...with the help from Rajni sir aka Chitti who happened to be driving by in his Magnet like car...Sonia, G.One and Prateik reach Shekhar's ol home in ummm it looked like Kerela - must be some place down South - and they meet Irritating Iyer - their nosy ol neighbour. What follows is some err Father/Program-Son bonding, some cutely funny moments between Super Sonia and G.One, some dumbly funny moments between Irritating Iyer, Super Sonia, G.One and Prateik...Meanwhile, hot on their trail is Ra.One who assumes the form of a hunky bald guy in the billboard aka Arjun Rampal and starts hunting his HART down. Theirs a party being organised by Irritating Iyer where G.One/Akon does a Cham-ak Chal-O and Kareena shakes her love handles scantily clad in a red sari...G.One suddenly senses Ra.One's presence and tells Super Sonia to get Prateik out of there - too late - G.One's presence sensors seemed to be dulled by the mass of flubbery flesh - he was jiggying Ra.One while a hypnotized Super Sonia is driving a death train which wont stop at any station...and Ra.One has kidnapped Prateik - G.One has a tough choice...its and either/or situation (ok who are we tryina kid? He's the super hero - he turns the either/or into an I'll take both and shove your choice where the sun don't shine!) So he goes and rescues Super Sonia - who seems to be enjoying the train ride - brings her back to her senses and goes back to rescue Prateik.

The two One's (oxymoron once again) battle it out in a an awesome simulated environment (makes Street Fighter look so yesterday). Two stages crossed - the director tries bringing humor into what should have been a serious battle with G.One grabbing Ra.One at the wrong place (SRK needs to learn that he already has enough scoop to tarnish his heterosexual image - he need not do such things to substantiate matters). We all know that G.One & Lucifer will outsmart Ra.One and kill him - so they do...almost - G.One walks out without his HART and ensures Ra.One wastes his one shot - but Ra.One is supposed to be the super villain of all super villains so he replicates himself (a la Chitti - remember Robot when we had so many Rajnikants on the screen)...so now what? Almost expecting a Rajnikant moment where the one bullet splits into 10 and kills all the Ra.Ones I was quite impressed by the thoughtfulness of the end - one of Shekhar's favorite quotes saves the day - roughly translated - "If you befriend evil - it follows you like a shadow" - *bing* Prateik the Genius has a lightbulb moment - Shoot the Ra.One with the Shadow! Bham! And Game Over! Naaaice we think...but wait...G.One must collect the specs of Ra.One and take them back with him to the game - therefore - SRK dies AGAIN...

Jump to the future with the promise of a sequel - we see Super Sonia back in "phoren" with Super Genius Prateik on a quest to revive G.One's HART and bring him back to life...by now the 3D glasses had started pinching me profusely and I was hoping the movie would end so I could yank them off and go grab a bite...and lo and behold! The HART comes to life! Good heavens we're going to have a sequel for sure...but would it be called Ra.Two? or G.Two? Hmmm...???

5 Key Learnings from Ra.Waaaaaaaa!-n :

1. No matter how much you try - the age old Good triumph's over Evil concept will prevail

2. SRK is a marketing genius - he has literally tapped the WORLD in this flick - he made up for hurting South Indian sentiments due to his stereotyping by sharing screen time with Rajnikant (South Indian market - Check), tapped the North Indian market by introducing Kareena in her voluptuous avtaar, tapped the Far East by bringing in a Japanese programmer cum super villain host, tapped the America's through Akon's song n dance, tapped the European market by shooting on London bridge & basing Barron Industries in UK, he tapped the African & Australian markets by default since SRK & Amitabh Bacchan are the only two actors known in that continent to constitute the Indian film industry - theres plenty of SRK in the flick - and oh Amitabh's voice too...so I guess the only continent left untapped would be Antarctica - though I doubt penguins are into movies

3. Stereotypes never die - if there is an adult South Indian man - he will ALWAYS be conservative, smart, an engineer of some sort (software or otherwise), childlike in his understanding of all things adult, he will ALWAYS have an accent regarless of how many years he has spent abroad/in the company of "white people", he will not know much about cooking idlis, he will want his kids to grow up and be like him. If there is a South Indian kid - he will ALWAYS be the binary opposite of his father (with the exception of intellect and profession- I guess that's genetic), he will dig heavy metal, he will be super smart and on his way to becoming an engineer of some sort, he will hate calling his father "Appa" because its not cool, he will think he is the epitaph of "cool-ness" and everyone else is a geek. If there is a Punjabi lady - she will swear and look pretty. Period. If there is a Japanese/Chinese guy - he will know his robotics inside out.

4. "Appa" means father in Tamil. "Inge-va" means come here in Tamil. And "Yena Rascala" is also an integral part of the Tamil language.

5. "Rays" are behind the whole mumbo jumbo of virtual reality - "Rays" can make virtual stuff come to life...and here we were thinking computer simulation, stereoscopic displays and a whole lot of other complex programming was involved in making things appear real - we are so behind - technology has jumped light years ahead of us...